Truths and Half Truths

Son of a Bitch!

Ow.  OW OW OW OWW OW GodDAMN sonofabitch bloody HELL OW.

Taking a goddamn break from mowing the goddamn lawn because I passed by the stupid goddamn Chinese frigging Bamboo or whever the hell it is (and I should have napalmed that crap back in the spring but "Oh, no, it's so nice and green") and it's flowering and swarming with frigging bees and one of the cockknockers stung me on the goddamn wrist and it goddamn bloody jaysus HURTS like a bastard and it's swelling up like a bitch and the frigging pain is shooting up through my goddamn arm and down through my hand.  I'm not frigging allergic to bee stings but I forget how much those little bastards HURT when they get you and Christ this is painful, intense, throbbing , get the FUCK away from me with that ice I'm sorry I don't mean to yell but Christ on a crutch it fucking HURTS pain.

OW. 

Shit.

Carry on.

Addendum:

When offering condolences and/or assistance to someone who has suffered a painful and potentially lethal sting by a venomous insect, the appropriate response is not "Oh, for God's sake, suck it up.  I shot three babies out of my vagina and didn't make this much of a fuss."

Urine Luck

Today, I was told to collect a urine sample from our dog, Roxy.

Do you even know how difficult it is to get a dog to pee into one of those little cups?

Mission accomplished.  But damn.

Chapter 15 tomorrow.  Thank you for not nagging.

A Gentle, Good-Natured, and Hopefully Persuasive Note To Some Of My Favourite Bloggers

You know that book you picked up the other day, the New York Times Best-seller with the black pages and the red type inside?  Oh, wait, no, maybe it was navy blue pages and black type.  Or red background and pink type.

No?  You don't remember that book?  Well, may I suggest to you that it's because the publishing industry kinda knows what works and what doesn't work, visually speaking.  And they know that as boring as it is, the easiest format on the human eyes is a light background and black type.  Like, say black on white ... or buff ... or ivory.

People of the Blogiverse:  please take note.

I know you want to be creative, and I know you want your blog to look good.  We all do, dear.  But what good is it if people think "Nice looking blog - damn, I wish I could read it."?

It's not JUST that I'm old, although that certainly might be weighing into it.  But honestly, sometimes I have to squint to read your blog - especially if there is glare on the screen.  And when that happens, as often as not, I'll just move to the next blog on my list.  Maybe you had a great post that day, maybe not.  I'll never know.  And if I, who love your stuff, am moving on, how many others who are visiting for the first time are saying "Yoiks - (s)he's not worth the migraine."?

Look at the blogs you love.  I would guess that most, if not all of them are black on light.  Look at the blogs and sites designed by pros.  Black on light.  Feel the pattern, baby.

Look, I respect your creative urges.  But I respectfully suggest you channel them into your writing (which is wonderful, or else I wouldn't be there), or your photography (which, ditto).  Eschew creativity in backgrounds, font colour, or the font itself. 

I look like crap when I squint.  And I'm homely enough to start. 

Spare us all.  Thank you.