“Do you mind? Napping here.”
“On my bed.”
“Still. You threw your robe right on top of me. Rude.”
“The tip of the terry-cloth belt grazed your tail. And again, my bed. Go sleep in the cat bed I bought you.”
“On my bed.”
“Still. You threw your robe right on top of me. Rude.”
“The tip of the terry-cloth belt grazed your tail. And again, my bed. Go sleep in the cat bed I bought you.”
“No can do. It’s inadequate.”
“In what way?”
“First, no sunbeam. I need a sunbeam. Secondly, the mattress is thin and lumpy.”
“I’ve seen you sleep on top of the TV.”
“It’s warm. You should try it sometime. Thirdly, it’s all covered in cat hair.”
“Your hair. Which you are now depositing on my bed.”
“It needed a homey touch. Now, do you mind?”
“Right. You need your sleep. You must be all shagged out after the nap you had a few minutes ago.”
“Ohhh, sarcasm. Charming. Where are you when I’m up all night, protecting the house?”
“From what? Marauding daffodils? Rogue African violets? I wake up in the morning and every plant in the house has little cat teeth marks.”
“Protecting the house is hungry work. Have you seen any mice lately?”
“No, thank goodness. Wouldn’t want to have them in the house, eating our plants.”
“Again with the sarcasm. You have no idea how destructive mice can be. You never show me the appreciation I deserve for killing them.”
“I’ve seen you with a mouse. You don’t kill it. You play with it.”
“Well, really, it’s only sportsmanlike. Look at the size difference.”
“It’s not "sportsmanlike". It’s a game for you. You bat it around like a toy until it figures out how to get away, then you sit there and look blankly at the crack it disappeared into for hours, like it’s going to come out to play again.”
“It's not beyond the realm of possibility. And without putting too fine a point on it, if the crack wasn’t there, we wouldn’t have this problem.”
“WE don’t have a problem. YOU have a problem. Your problem is, you do nothing to earn your keep and you treat all of us in this house like we’re some sort of carbon-based cat food dispensing units. Then you give me attitude when I come in and you’re on MY bed.”
“You seem tightly wound. You know what would relax you? Why don’t you take that dog-thing you inflicted on this house out for a walk? I hear there’s some nice hiking to be had close to the highway. Don’t bother with the leash.”
“What, so you can roam around the house, clawing at the sides of the furniture?”
“Oh, do you not like that? I must have missed the memo. I think it lends a sort of rustic feel to the whole room. No offence, but before I puffed the sides up a bit, the couch was ... well, a tad on the austere side.”
“Honestly, why do we keep you around?”
“Because you love to rub my tummy. And you love it when I purr. And you adore how I curl up on your chest to sleep ...”
“Well, OK. That is nice.”
“... and you don’t know that one day I’m going to curl up on your face and smother you while you sl – ...”
“Hey!”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to be out loud. Strike that from the record.”
“Get off my bed. Now.”
“Fine. But when you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? I’d wear slippers if I were you.”
“Stupid cat.”
“Useless human. Now, off with you. Go fill my dish. And for God’s sake, moisten the kibble. We are not savages.”
“In what way?”
“First, no sunbeam. I need a sunbeam. Secondly, the mattress is thin and lumpy.”
“I’ve seen you sleep on top of the TV.”
“It’s warm. You should try it sometime. Thirdly, it’s all covered in cat hair.”
“Your hair. Which you are now depositing on my bed.”
“It needed a homey touch. Now, do you mind?”
“Right. You need your sleep. You must be all shagged out after the nap you had a few minutes ago.”
“Ohhh, sarcasm. Charming. Where are you when I’m up all night, protecting the house?”
“From what? Marauding daffodils? Rogue African violets? I wake up in the morning and every plant in the house has little cat teeth marks.”
“Protecting the house is hungry work. Have you seen any mice lately?”
“No, thank goodness. Wouldn’t want to have them in the house, eating our plants.”
“Again with the sarcasm. You have no idea how destructive mice can be. You never show me the appreciation I deserve for killing them.”
“I’ve seen you with a mouse. You don’t kill it. You play with it.”
“Well, really, it’s only sportsmanlike. Look at the size difference.”
“It’s not "sportsmanlike". It’s a game for you. You bat it around like a toy until it figures out how to get away, then you sit there and look blankly at the crack it disappeared into for hours, like it’s going to come out to play again.”
“It's not beyond the realm of possibility. And without putting too fine a point on it, if the crack wasn’t there, we wouldn’t have this problem.”
“WE don’t have a problem. YOU have a problem. Your problem is, you do nothing to earn your keep and you treat all of us in this house like we’re some sort of carbon-based cat food dispensing units. Then you give me attitude when I come in and you’re on MY bed.”
“You seem tightly wound. You know what would relax you? Why don’t you take that dog-thing you inflicted on this house out for a walk? I hear there’s some nice hiking to be had close to the highway. Don’t bother with the leash.”
“What, so you can roam around the house, clawing at the sides of the furniture?”
“Oh, do you not like that? I must have missed the memo. I think it lends a sort of rustic feel to the whole room. No offence, but before I puffed the sides up a bit, the couch was ... well, a tad on the austere side.”
“Honestly, why do we keep you around?”
“Because you love to rub my tummy. And you love it when I purr. And you adore how I curl up on your chest to sleep ...”
“Well, OK. That is nice.”
“... and you don’t know that one day I’m going to curl up on your face and smother you while you sl – ...”
“Hey!”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to be out loud. Strike that from the record.”
“Get off my bed. Now.”
“Fine. But when you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? I’d wear slippers if I were you.”
“Stupid cat.”
“Useless human. Now, off with you. Go fill my dish. And for God’s sake, moisten the kibble. We are not savages.”
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