Us - Us

I haven't posted for a bit, and some people are getting all cranky about me having the post titled "I LOST" right there at the top as the first thing they click on.  So fine, I'll post, already.

This is a sort of Facebook-y kind of meme - you-you thing.  It has no real place on a classy blog like this, but it amuses me.

Rules:

What you do is add up your fines, according to the table below.  There are no extra fines for multiple offenses, so if you've smoked weed once, it's $10 and if you smoke it every day it's still only $10.

You need not - in fact, should not - detail how you reached your total.  It's far more fun for everybody to guess.

Be honest.  What the hell.  If you won't be honest, don't play.  In an instance where you are unsure, pick the guiltier option.  (In other words, don't split hairs like Bill Clinton did.  Sex is sex.  We know it when we're doing it.  As did he.)

No entries accepted from any member of my immediate family, thank you so much.  In fact, members of my immediate family should stop reading here.

High fine wins a prize and low fine wins a prize. 

So ... have you ever:

Smoked weed -- $10
Done acid -- $5
Had sex in a public place -- $25
And gotten caught -- $40
Woken up with a stranger -- $40
Met another Blogger --  $15
Had sex with another Blogger -- $25
Blogged about it -- $50
Had phone sex -- $20
Had cyber sex - $20
Gathered spring flowers --  $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
While they were in it -- $500
Gotten caught by your/your mate's parents: $300
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Left a mark on your partner after sex -- $30
Played "Find the tattoo" with temporary tattoos -- $20
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to a stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Stripped for someone -- $50
Watched a dog lick itself and thought "Hmm.  Am I that flexible ...?  If I just lean ov--... nope, not gonna happen."  -- $100
Kissed someone whose name you didn't know -- $10
Had sex with someone whose name you didn't know -- $40
Been aroused at work -- $10
Done something about it right then and there -- $40
Hit on someone of the same sex -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Used food during sex (sauces count) - $20
Used porn during sex with another person -- $10
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Pretended not to remember the night before, but really?  Oh, yeah. -- $25
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Had sex in a place that still makes you giggle about how embarrassing it would have been to be caught -- $100
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend-- $20
Done something that you wouldn't exactly call "cheating" but you know your mate totally would -- $20
Thought about cheating on your mate.  Seriously thought. -- $200
Watched a Tom Green movie, start to finish -- $200
Masturbated -- $10
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / received oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Joined the Mile High Club -- $100
Stole something -- $10
Stole something worth more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Taken naughty pictures of yourself -- $10
Shared those naughty pics with someone other than your mate - $25
Made a naughty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild (as opposed to "wild sex") -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years younger -- $20
Imagined having sex with a teacher. -- $30
In the classroom -- $80
During school hours - $200
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Been in love with two people or more in the same place at the same time  -- $75
Said you loved someone but didn't mean it -- $25
But they totally bought it -- $50
Flashed strangers -- $10
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret --$20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone with whom you work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Engaged in frottage -- $25
Had to go look that up. -- $50
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
Faked the Big "O" -- $10

OK, that's enough.  Run your total - use a calculator if you need to - and leave it in the comments. 

Update:  To encourage more people to play, I have included some more "innocent" fines.  So ... we'll all believe you that your high point total came from gathering spring flowers or watching Tom Green movies.  No, really.  We'll believe you.  Those who answered before I updated need not go back and amend your total fines.

For the record, my fine is a paltry $955.00.  I'm quite sure you can beat that.

Comments

[nadia]

No one's gonna believe me, but my score is $30. yeah i know, no one's gonna believe me.

Part of the reason for that has nothing to do with me per se; i think it has something to do with the fact that i grew up in a more socially and religiously conservative atmosphere for half my life.

Either that, or i'm the dullest person on earth.

[The Kept Woman]

Dammit. I thought I might get the prize for low score but Nadia has me beat already...I'm in at $355...for the record I think "Had a Threesome" should be worth more than $50.

I haven't done that but if I had I would want to add more than a measly $50.

I'm just saying...

[Susie]

I don't have a calculator handy, but I think it's about $750. I wasn't gonna say anything, figuring I'd be the lowest of the low, but looks like I'll be somewhere in the middle.
Your list makes me laugh, and wonder where on earth you got some of these ideas. Oh, wait, I think I know . . .

[sheryl]

Way too many of these are sexual.
I'm too embarrassed to record my fine.

[Ortizzle]

$780

[Nils]

See, Sheryl ... when you say you're way too embarrassed to admit your fine, we all automatically imagine it's far higher than it probably is. Sorta damned if you do, damned if you don't kinda deal. All you regulars have to pony up with your numbers or we'll all just assume they're up in the stratosphere somewhere ... ("Wow ... I would have never guessed SHE'D be up over $1500 ...")

[sheryl]

Close enough.

I mean, $200.

[Nils]

To clarify the source of the list of fines: the list first came to me in an email, and in the next few days I came across it in other places. There were some items on the list I deleted, and I added some new ones (mostly because I found places I could make jokes). I didn't "design" this list, nor does it spring from "personal experience" except to the extent that ... well, $955.

[Ortizzle]

These don't apply to me. I just thought you could add them to the equation:

*said you weren’t in the mood when you couldn’t get an erection -- $25
*got tested for AIDS without telling anyone -- $20
had sex for the first time before you were fourteen-- girl = $100 guy = $5
*thought you had an STD but didn’t -- $5
*thought you had an STD and did -- $100

[Lala]

I copied your meme and gave you FULL credit

[William]

1245..waiting Bucky's higher number so I don't look like I have the highest fine.

[CircusKelli]

$575 -- but maybe I added something twice because I went down the list, then realized I skipped some items and went back and added them. I'm a good girl, dammit! How did I come up with $575?!

*thankful "Made a naughty home video -- $15" isn't immediately followed by "Posted it on the internet"*

*wonders how much that fine would be*

[scoob]

Um. So I lurk here all the time... (hi everybody :) and I'm really NOT that bad... but this is just well.. errrr.... bad. $2125. I'm gonna go take another shower now.

[kalki]

Are you people sure you're not counting things more than once?! Good LORD!

$250. I'm going to go find my inner sexpot now...

[kalki]

Sexpot, not sexSPOT. I have to clarify that, because you people are dirty!

[Nils]

Umm ... Kalki ... maybe if you spend some time seaching for your inner sexSPOT ... you might find the search for your inner sexpot goes more smoothly.

[sheryl]

Thank you, Scoob. Your fine makes my old 1400 sound pretty moderate.

I'm not sure if the updates make my 2415 sound any better, but some of them were really funny.

Frottage? Ew. I have been on the involuntary receiving end of that in the subway. Creeeepy.

[Deneen]

1. Doing the math while at work $0
2. Fines for various listed offenses $615
3. Look on stranger's face when I suggest various ways he could help me up my fines: PRICELESS

[kalki]

Good one, Nils. But not to worry, my sexSPOT's whereabouts are no mystery. Which is too bad, because if I were to search for it here at work, I could get some more points.

[Homestead]

Explaining to your husband why he needs to stop on the way home and get a Tom Green movie, temporary tattoos, apple jelly & a bottle.... $11.46.

[Von Krankipantzen]

635. I'm thinking I've got to get out more.

[Jim Fogg]

A paltry $ 725.00......how humiliating......I'm going to work really really hard to improve that number...
Though I'm sure my Dad would care about me having sex in his bed......unless he was in it at the time.

[whfropera]

Um...well...I'm a little embarrassed here. $1570.00 folks.

Nils, I sent you an email - I'm not quite ready to share that little tidbit with the Interweb.

[whfropera]

oh wait - I DID watch a Tom Green movie once (why couldn't I block that out? So a corrected $1770.00

[Ern]

$1020

Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

[Ern]

BTW, I'm perplexed that cheating on your significant other is only $10, while seriously THINKING about it is $200. Not to hassle the quizmaker or anything.

[platypus]

Ahem ... *whispers* $1650 and runs away...

[Nils]

I don't make the laws, I just collect the fines. Oh, wait. I do make the laws, at least some of them.

I set that one high for people to hide behind. Anybody can admit to seriously thinking about infidelity without raising any eyebrows. I suspected some people were sheepish about having too high a score and I wanted everybody to play along. Turns out that people are equally embarrassed if their score is too LOW.

Besides, as we can see from the higher penalties for pre-meditated murder as opposed to manslaughter, forming intent makes any offense more serious.

[platypus]

Make that $1850. Just looked up Tom Green on IMDB... I am ashamed...

[Allie]

I want to tell my total just to bug Dad.

[Nils]

Please review the rules above. That you even HAVE a total bugs Dad.

[Allie]

Then my work here is done.

[Squirl]

530. That's it.

[Nils]

Don't feel bad, Squirl. I suspect your family will still come out of this with a high average ...

[wordgirl]

715. I'm either a Puritan or a Pervert. I can no longer tell.

[dawn]

OMG! I can't believe I'm actually going to post this number.

First, I have NEVER had a threesome.

2285

Bucky? Where are you? Please beat me!

[whfropera]

dawn - you're missing out. believe me.

[Ortizzle]

I know you told the early birds not to re-calculate after you added some exhorbitant amounts for things like picking spring flowers, but then how can the contest be fair for 'high and low' winners if latecomers have extra stuff with which to boost their totals?

Never mind. I only just fantasized about doing that stuff. Yup, thinkin' about it, I have deeper problems than not scoring high on the 'done it or been done' list. I am seriously culturally deprived: I don't even know who Tom Green is.

[Nils]

Now everybody in the room is looking at Operagal and saying ... "Oh ...? Do go on ..." (No? Just me?)

And Ortizzle .. you can go back and amend if you want. This was more an exhibition than a competition ... so no wagering was allowed.

As for Tom Green ... well, Lawbrat may be missing out on something, but you're sure not.

[dawn]

Operagirl, Hmmm, maybe some experimentation is needed for me?

Oh no, my number was high enough. I think I'll stick with that.

Nils- I'll never tell ;-)

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Damn...I came up with my birth year, 1965.

Those fucking spring flowers.

[torrie]

1350.
Hee hee.

[sheryl]

Bucky,
Nilbo meant PICKing spring flowers...PICKing.
Are you sure you got the right fine?

[Nils]

1965? I think Bucky has gone to the metric system. So it's 1965 CELSIUS.

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

I shudder to think how many of these scores are high because you people were FUCKING IN BED NEXT TO YOUR PARENTS!

And how come there are no points offered for nearly catching the desk clerk listening outside your hotel room while a threesome is in progress?

[CircusKelli]

Maybe Bucky divided her total score by two...

[Ortizzle]

Nilbo: I wasn't referring to 'wagering', just the fact that the post states:
"High fine wins a PRIZE, low fine wins a PRIZE."

I figure the prize will be a virtual honorable mention. Since I am somewhere in the middle, even with amended amount, it's irrelevant anyway. But it might be fun to ask the high prize winner to reveal the categories, heh, heh....

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Sssshhhh, Kelli - you promised you wouldn't talk about that one time at Long John Silver's...by the breaded lobster tank.

[Effie]

545

[CircusKelli]

Bucky... I'm still wondering how they got that whole tank breaded like that... and why...

[shari]

$795