New Season, New Look

... and the same old familiar "I know I've been remiss and haven't posted, but ..."

Priorities.  That's all I can tell you, kids.  I'm doing something I think is worthwhile, but as so often happens, it's not easy.  Nor should it be.

So, be patient, please.  One day very soon I'll find myself with enough time to write something worthy of your indulgence.

In the meantime, here's a recent column ... some of you will have already read it, but others may get a chuckle.

Lost in Translation

    My daughter teaches at a school where there are a fair number of students who are new to Canada.  Many of them aren't quite fluent in English yet, so extra time is spent helping them acquire all the language skills they will need to forge a life in their new home.

    Well, almost all.

    What you can't teach someone are some critical phrases spoken by people who seem to be saying one thing but are really saying something else.

    Here, then, is the beginning of a simple phrasebook that will prove invaluable to students learning real English:

   

Phrase:  "Can I be honest with you?"   

   

Translation: "Unless you stop me right now,  I am going to cut you to the quick with whatever next comes out of my mouth." 

    Nobody will ever say: "Can I be honest with you?  Your hair looks terrific!" or "Can I be honest with you?  Those colours are very flattering."  There's no need to preface that with a plea to allow honesty.  They just up and say it, if it's true.  And often, even if it's not. 

    What you're far more likely to hear is: "Can I be honest with you? You really should never sing in public." or "Can I be honest with you? That dress makes you look like you are trying to shoplift an ottoman."

    "Can I be honest with you?" is a request that you give permission to the other person to be mean to you.  The appropriate response to "Can I be honest with you?" is to say "Sure, but if you hurt me, in my culture it is permissible to poke you in the eye with a knitting needle."

   

Phrase: "The good news is ..."

   

Translation: "I am about to give you some really bad news, and I am going to cushion it with the lamest possible positive spin so you won't poke me in the eye with a knitting needle."

    See, in our culture, we are terrified that people will kill the messenger.  So we try to preface really bad news with something good, no matter how lame.  So we'd never say: "I just ran over your dog."  We would start with: "The good news is, no more worries about the skyrocketing cost of kibble!".

   

Phrase: "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but ..."

   

Translation: "I stood here for the better part of an hour waiting for you to come by so I could "just happen to run into you" and give you this news.  I will dine out on the story of your reaction for several months."

   

Phrase: "I don't want to keep you from anything."

   

Translation: "I don't want you to keep me from anything.  Go away now."

   

Phrase: "We'll bring it into the shop and call you if it looks like your car requires serious work."

    Translation: "Later this afternoon, we'll be calling to tell you your transmission needs to be rotated and your alternator bearings need re-chroming.  And that while you don't have to have the work done right away, we'd recommend you not actually consider driving the car on public roads unless you have a fire extinguisher close at hand."

   

Phrase: "Have a nice day."

   

Translation: "I don't want you to keep me from anything.  Go away now."

   

Phrase: "I tell it like it is.  That's just the way I am."

   

Translation: "I have not acquired sufficient social skills to speak in public without offending everyone around me.  In order to not see myself as a jerk, I have decided instead to view this hideous character flaw as quirky, charming, and refreshingly honest.  You will come to hate me. Everybody does.  And rather than care about it and make an honest effort to adjust my vile behaviour, I have decided to see your outrage as a fault of yours and not an understandable reaction to my utter insensitivity."

   

Phrase: "Delivery will be in four to six weeks."

   

Translation: "We're not sure when we'll deliver this, but best guess is several months, providing you're willing to fight through voicemail and leave several dozen messages beginning with polite enquiries and escalating to threatened legal action and/or arson."

    New Canadians should be told that the English language is very complex and subtle.  We don't always say exactly what we mean, and don't always mean exactly what we say.

    I have many more examples I could give, but I don't want to keep you from anything.

Comments

[Gora_Kagaz]

nice look. and "shoplifting an ottoman" had me laughing out loud. i'm so using that the next time i get a chance :P

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Nice, um, sea spray there.

I don't know how it is in Canada, but down here, *some* of us can carry off the ottoman look with great style and aplomb.

[anonymous]

damn, where *is* my set of knitting needles?

[Ortizzle]

Love the new look!

Great "translations"... and so true.

"Have a nice day" could be a column all on it's own.

[The Kept Woman]

Those are great. I wish you would put that in a handbook format so I could keep it in my purse for reference.

[CircusKelli]

"How are you doing today?" is another one. Closely followed by "Fine".

[Aman]

These are some cool translations:)
Loved reading them!!:)

[Squirl]

There are so many of these. I can't imagine other languages don't have their own, too. The whole idea shouldn't be "foreign" to them. But, still, the phrases surely vary. This is great information for English as a Second Language folks.

[Von Krankipantzen]

Very funny and VERY true.

[shari]

Hee -- loved the translations, reminds me of an ESL student from Japan at my highschool whom everybody loved within days because he was just such a nice person. Some of the guys in his dorm suite became good friends of his, and he had a great sense of humor. He would play small, appropriate, practical jokes on them, and they would reciprocate in kind, and a camaraderie grew up between them despite his extremely limited knowledge of the English language. At some point, they began to intentionally mislead him as to certain words or phrases, and then wait for him to use his new knowledge and hope they were around to hear. Poor Nick -- he ended up saying some incredibly funny things as he tried to reconcile his language courses with his buddies' tutoring. Thanks for bringing that memory to mind, Nils. :)