Truths and Half Truths

Us - Us

I haven't posted for a bit, and some people are getting all cranky about me having the post titled "I LOST" right there at the top as the first thing they click on.  So fine, I'll post, already.

This is a sort of Facebook-y kind of meme - you-you thing.  It has no real place on a classy blog like this, but it amuses me.

Rules:

What you do is add up your fines, according to the table below.  There are no extra fines for multiple offenses, so if you've smoked weed once, it's $10 and if you smoke it every day it's still only $10.

You need not - in fact, should not - detail how you reached your total.  It's far more fun for everybody to guess.

Be honest.  What the hell.  If you won't be honest, don't play.  In an instance where you are unsure, pick the guiltier option.  (In other words, don't split hairs like Bill Clinton did.  Sex is sex.  We know it when we're doing it.  As did he.)

No entries accepted from any member of my immediate family, thank you so much.  In fact, members of my immediate family should stop reading here.

High fine wins a prize and low fine wins a prize. 

So ... have you ever:

Smoked weed -- $10
Done acid -- $5
Had sex in a public place -- $25
And gotten caught -- $40
Woken up with a stranger -- $40
Met another Blogger --  $15
Had sex with another Blogger -- $25
Blogged about it -- $50
Had phone sex -- $20
Had cyber sex - $20
Gathered spring flowers --  $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
While they were in it -- $500
Gotten caught by your/your mate's parents: $300
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Left a mark on your partner after sex -- $30
Played "Find the tattoo" with temporary tattoos -- $20
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to a stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Stripped for someone -- $50
Watched a dog lick itself and thought "Hmm.  Am I that flexible ...?  If I just lean ov--... nope, not gonna happen."  -- $100
Kissed someone whose name you didn't know -- $10
Had sex with someone whose name you didn't know -- $40
Been aroused at work -- $10
Done something about it right then and there -- $40
Hit on someone of the same sex -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Used food during sex (sauces count) - $20
Used porn during sex with another person -- $10
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Pretended not to remember the night before, but really?  Oh, yeah. -- $25
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Had sex in a place that still makes you giggle about how embarrassing it would have been to be caught -- $100
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend-- $20
Done something that you wouldn't exactly call "cheating" but you know your mate totally would -- $20
Thought about cheating on your mate.  Seriously thought. -- $200
Watched a Tom Green movie, start to finish -- $200
Masturbated -- $10
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / received oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Joined the Mile High Club -- $100
Stole something -- $10
Stole something worth more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Taken naughty pictures of yourself -- $10
Shared those naughty pics with someone other than your mate - $25
Made a naughty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild (as opposed to "wild sex") -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years younger -- $20
Imagined having sex with a teacher. -- $30
In the classroom -- $80
During school hours - $200
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Been in love with two people or more in the same place at the same time  -- $75
Said you loved someone but didn't mean it -- $25
But they totally bought it -- $50
Flashed strangers -- $10
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret --$20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone with whom you work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Engaged in frottage -- $25
Had to go look that up. -- $50
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
Faked the Big "O" -- $10

OK, that's enough.  Run your total - use a calculator if you need to - and leave it in the comments. 

Update:  To encourage more people to play, I have included some more "innocent" fines.  So ... we'll all believe you that your high point total came from gathering spring flowers or watching Tom Green movies.  No, really.  We'll believe you.  Those who answered before I updated need not go back and amend your total fines.

For the record, my fine is a paltry $955.00.  I'm quite sure you can beat that.

I Lost

It happens. 

I was defeated in my attempt to win the nomination.  So, I'm out of politics.

I gave it my best shot, did the work, wrote and delivered a killer speech ... and it wasn't enough.

There are those - like our friend Weiner -  who will feel all pleased with themselves now and want to gloat.  Have at it.  Fill your boots.  At least I had the sack to step up.

I hate losing, and tonight I feel like shit. 

But something good will happen tomorrow.

The Cone of Silence Lifts ...

A few weeks ago, Erin called and invited us over for supper on that Sunday evening.  She and Matthew felt badly that they had spent the last few weeks ping-ponging between his folks' house and ours for Sunday dinner, and being he's a chef and all, it seemed like it was their turn to have both families over for one big dinner.

Good deal.

So we get there and the table is beautifully set with place card holders and the whole deal, not unusual at all for Erin.  And as we sit down for dinner, there are little gifties for everybody - perhaps a tad out of the ordinary but certainly not beyond what Erin often does with company.

We unwrap.  I open a hat - one of those hats that is particularly common among older gentlemen who are in the process of confiscating some kids' soccer ball because "... I told the little geezlers that if they put that thing in my roses one more time ...".  Matthew's dad get the same kind of hat.

I look over to what our wives are unwrapping.  Patterns for baby clothes.  Allison is unwrapping a T-shirt that is emblazoned "Auntie Allison".

Well.  A puzzler for sure, this.

We were sworn to secrecy until this morning, when the word came down from Erin that we were permitted to tell our friends.  So here it is:

Later this year, my wife is going to be a grandmother.  And my daughter will be an aunt.

And shut up.

Note to Platypus

4:00 PM last night, not a skiff of snow to be seen.

8:00PM last night, some big fluffy flakes started, the kind you catch on your tongue.

11:00 PM last night, called Allie on her cell and told her not to try to make it home - the wind was up, there was next to no visibility and they'd taken the plows off the road for safety.

10:00 AM this morning, Erin and a crew who got storm-stayed at her place walked over through thigh-deep drifts for breakfast.  Still no sign of any plows.  Visibility improved, but still telling Allie to stay put.  Estimated time to properly dig out:  2 - 3 hours.

Spring on my Island.

Original Easter Sunday plan: go to our friend Jan's house where three families would join for Easter dinner, always a wonderful time.  Back-up plan, in case the plows still aren't here to free my car, which is socked in up to the middle of the doors:  Erin and crew rejoin us for dinner here.  Either way, it'll be lovely.

 

You can see how when a millimeter of snow brought traffic to a halt near Oxford when we were in Britain, Allie and I might have grimly chuckled and felt mildly smug.

New Season, New Look

... and the same old familiar "I know I've been remiss and haven't posted, but ..."

Priorities.  That's all I can tell you, kids.  I'm doing something I think is worthwhile, but as so often happens, it's not easy.  Nor should it be.

So, be patient, please.  One day very soon I'll find myself with enough time to write something worthy of your indulgence.

In the meantime, here's a recent column ... some of you will have already read it, but others may get a chuckle.

Lost in Translation

    My daughter teaches at a school where there are a fair number of students who are new to Canada.  Many of them aren't quite fluent in English yet, so extra time is spent helping them acquire all the language skills they will need to forge a life in their new home.

    Well, almost all.

    What you can't teach someone are some critical phrases spoken by people who seem to be saying one thing but are really saying something else.

    Here, then, is the beginning of a simple phrasebook that will prove invaluable to students learning real English:

   

Phrase:  "Can I be honest with you?"   

   

Translation: "Unless you stop me right now,  I am going to cut you to the quick with whatever next comes out of my mouth." 

    Nobody will ever say: "Can I be honest with you?  Your hair looks terrific!" or "Can I be honest with you?  Those colours are very flattering."  There's no need to preface that with a plea to allow honesty.  They just up and say it, if it's true.  And often, even if it's not. 

    What you're far more likely to hear is: "Can I be honest with you? You really should never sing in public." or "Can I be honest with you? That dress makes you look like you are trying to shoplift an ottoman."

    "Can I be honest with you?" is a request that you give permission to the other person to be mean to you.  The appropriate response to "Can I be honest with you?" is to say "Sure, but if you hurt me, in my culture it is permissible to poke you in the eye with a knitting needle."

   

Phrase: "The good news is ..."

   

Translation: "I am about to give you some really bad news, and I am going to cushion it with the lamest possible positive spin so you won't poke me in the eye with a knitting needle."

    See, in our culture, we are terrified that people will kill the messenger.  So we try to preface really bad news with something good, no matter how lame.  So we'd never say: "I just ran over your dog."  We would start with: "The good news is, no more worries about the skyrocketing cost of kibble!".

   

Phrase: "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but ..."

   

Translation: "I stood here for the better part of an hour waiting for you to come by so I could "just happen to run into you" and give you this news.  I will dine out on the story of your reaction for several months."

   

Phrase: "I don't want to keep you from anything."

   

Translation: "I don't want you to keep me from anything.  Go away now."

   

Phrase: "We'll bring it into the shop and call you if it looks like your car requires serious work."

    Translation: "Later this afternoon, we'll be calling to tell you your transmission needs to be rotated and your alternator bearings need re-chroming.  And that while you don't have to have the work done right away, we'd recommend you not actually consider driving the car on public roads unless you have a fire extinguisher close at hand."

   

Phrase: "Have a nice day."

   

Translation: "I don't want you to keep me from anything.  Go away now."

   

Phrase: "I tell it like it is.  That's just the way I am."

   

Translation: "I have not acquired sufficient social skills to speak in public without offending everyone around me.  In order to not see myself as a jerk, I have decided instead to view this hideous character flaw as quirky, charming, and refreshingly honest.  You will come to hate me. Everybody does.  And rather than care about it and make an honest effort to adjust my vile behaviour, I have decided to see your outrage as a fault of yours and not an understandable reaction to my utter insensitivity."

   

Phrase: "Delivery will be in four to six weeks."

   

Translation: "We're not sure when we'll deliver this, but best guess is several months, providing you're willing to fight through voicemail and leave several dozen messages beginning with polite enquiries and escalating to threatened legal action and/or arson."

    New Canadians should be told that the English language is very complex and subtle.  We don't always say exactly what we mean, and don't always mean exactly what we say.

    I have many more examples I could give, but I don't want to keep you from anything.