Pee Post

    The other night, I was fast asleep when my wife nudged me.  She said, "When you get up to go pee, can you check to make sure the fires are OK in the woodstoves?" 

   

I hate when she does stuff like that.

    Remember, I had been fast asleep.  I'm not quite sure what I was dreaming about - perhaps I was scoring the winning goal in the Stanley Cup playoffs.  Maybe it was the one where Paul McCartney calls and says he really needs a hot tambourine player for the next tour.  Or maybe it was the one about Sandra Bullock and the ostrich feather.  It doesn't matter.  What I wasn't doing was: I wasn't thinking about getting up to pee.

    Until my wife nudged me. 

    Then, of course, I was thinking about it.  Just a little bit, way back in the back of my mind.  Just enough so that I knew - and of course, she knew -  I couldn't possibly go back to sleep. 

  What would be the point?  I'd lay there in bed, not having to go but now alert to any signs that I might have to go, until finally I would have to go and I'd have to get up then anyway. 

    Because you can't go to sleep thinking about having to pee.  If you do, you'll end up dreaming about playing in the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and getting off the ice after the second period and going to the bathroom. And in your dream, the release feels sooo good , then suddenly your eyes snap open and you say to yourself "Oh, no.  Please no."  And if you're lucky, you'll still end up having to get up and go to the bathroom.  And not have to gather up the sheets.

    So I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, all snug and warm, and I knew - I just knew - that I was going to have to get up and go.  And finally, I bit the bullet and rolled out of bed. 

    And as long as I was up, I figured I might as well check the fires so the house would be toasty warm in the morning.  And as I got back under the covers, I could almost - not quite but almost - hear an evil chuckle coming from the other side of the bed.

    My wife knows she can pull something like that on me because she knows I have a bladder the size of a macadamia nut.  She, on the other hand, has been known to hold her water for several days.  The woman is a camel.  She wouldn't dream of getting out of a warm bed for something so trivial as going to the bathroom.

    This actually happened: one night, I had to get up and go.  So I did, and as I rolled back into bed, I said to her, "When you get up to go pee, could you get some bread out of the freezer for breakfast in the morning?" 

   

“Take that!” I chuckled to myself, feeling so smug.

    Her response:  "I won't be getting up till morning.  But as long as you have to anyway, could you also check and see the lights in the basement are out?"

    “Ha-ha-ha,” I said to myself, because I'm an idiot.  “She thinks I'll have to get up again.  But I don't because I just took care of business.  So I'm here for the duration.  No chance,”  I said to myself. 

    To her, I said "I'm all done.  I'm going to sleep.  Goodnight."

    "Really?" she said, because she has evil powers.  "Don't you feel just a teeny bit uncomfortable?  Not even a twinge?  Gosh, that's great.  Well, goodnight."

    So I lay there, and truth be told I did feel just a little teeny bit of a twinge. (“No!  No you don't!  Not this time!”)   And the more I thought about it ... well, the more I thought about it. 

    When I finally did go, I got the bread out and checked the lights in the basement.  They were off.

    I realize I've taken up a lot of time here talking about a rather personal topic.  So I'll stop now.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, going on and on about twinges and stuff.

    And frankly ... umm ...  there's something I have to do.

               
   

Comments

[shari]

*heh*

You guys and your thimble-bladders... I'm never before realized how happy I am to be dispossessed of a prostate. But hey, when you get up to pee, would you give the puppies a little kiss for me? Thanks.

[Nils]

By "puppies" you mean the young dogs in my office, right?

[platypus]

Hee hee, your wife is an evil genius of the best kind. I bow down to her! Now go and check that the front door's locked will ya?

[shari]

Can you kiss the other "puppies" by yourself? Because if you can, that might be pretty entertaining, so forget the young dogs. ;)

Of course, if you could do that, you would forget the young dogs, and then there'd be an even bigger mess in your office. Nope, better save the kisses for the dogs, then.

[Lyn]

Women are very, very smart. :-)

[wordgirl]

I think my husband and I are pretty equal on the peeing front, but I do have a bad habit of worrying about whether a door is locked or not. And I worry about it aloud. But guess what? Bryan always says, "yeah...I'm not sure whether or not it's actually locked or not, but it's probably okay."

And then there is silence while I toss and turn. He knows that I won't be able to sleep until I check it out. He's evil that way.

[Robert Paterson]

Oh Nils - maybe you and I can form the Macademia society of fire watchers?

Now I have interviewed Sar Fraser on Solar water heating - what about Wood stoves and stoking at the Ling house?
Your friend of the many rises at night
Rob macadamia

[CircusKelli]

There was the time I couldn't remember if I'd shut the "venting" windows in the van -- and it was pouring rain outside. My husband (bless his heart) agreed that we really couldn't see those back van windows from our bedroom window, and said "Oh, they're probably ok..." with just enough disbelief in his voice that I went out to check... in the rain, in my long nightshirt pajamas. I came back inside to see him laughing hysterically because he had gone out earlier and was "pretty sure" the windows in the van were all shut tight.

Can you blame us women for messing with our man's minds now and then? It's part revenge, part pure fun.

[Sandy]

oh great..I didn't have to pee until I read your post...Thanks alot!

[The Kept Woman]

Your wife is pure evil but I have to say she sounds hilarious.

I want heated ceramic tile floors in my next house...I HATE cold tootsies in the middle of the night.

[William]

I am curious about the ostrich feather.

[Ps]

That was hilariuos, because it rang so true and familiar. :-)Your wife is a very clever lady.The again,the female of the species is always deadlier than the male!

[Sara Sue]

Please post pictures of "kissing the puppies", whatever that may mean!

Oh, and please tell your lovely wife that I just love her!

[Ern]

Have you had your prostate checked? It could help with the getting up in the night thing. But I wouldn't want to take away your wife's task-doer, so maybe you should just let that doctor visit slide. It's an unpleasant one anyway.

[Ortizzle]

I'm the one with the bladder the size of a macadamia nut in this house. But The Husband never asks me to check on anything, remove bread from the freezer or stoke the fires. And in fact, I am in the evil habit of waiting until we are just about to drift off to sleep before saying, "Did you remember to plug your cell phone in to charge it?" He almost never does.

[Laura]

Hope you're feeling better today! While you're sick, you should take advantage of the situation by asking your wife to check on certain things during the night. (g).

however, just so YOU know, she sounds like a bright woman and the payback might be hell! LOLOL

[Squirl]

Yeah, I'm the one in this household who might have to make the middle-of-the-night run. But that's it, to the bathroom and back.

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Squirl, at least your bathroom is right next to your bedroom. And I definitely beat you for number of night-time pee pilgrimages when I was at your place last week.

Sibling rivalry: who REALLY has the smaller bladder?

[Squirl]

Or the question could be, who drinks the most water?

[kalki]

Oh, I hear you on this. Fortunately, Rob doesn't give me tasks, so I can quite nearly get up and pee and come back, all in my sleep.