Yesterday, I was chasing my dog Roxy around my yard with a pie plate, trying to stuff it under her when she squatted to pee. (This is not some sort of new hobby - I was ordered to do this by the veterinarian)
On the first attempt, just as I got it under her, it made that crinkling, popping sound pie plates make when they bend, and she nearly broke my arm lunging at the leash to get away. Now, of course, she was terrified of the scary scary pie plate, and not only would she not pee, she wouldn't look at me because I held it in my hand and was evidently planning to use it to ... my God, I am speculating on what a dog might think. Shoot me now.
So we went back inside the house, and I gave her a cookie, which wipes her memory clean, and we tried again. This time I took a flat lid from a tupperware dish (no crinkly, no scary) and we went outside. Due to the memory-deleting qualities of the dog biscuits, Roxy seemed to think it was our first time out that day, so she was very happy.
She wandered around, looking for that one blade of grass on our lawn which she had not yet blessed with the holy water of her bladder, found it, and squatted. Smoothly, gracefully, as if I had done this hundreds of times before, I slid the tupperware lid under her just in time to have my dog pee on my hand.
Fortunately, enough got into the lid for me to pour a sample into a little cup, seal the cup, give it to Allison for delivery to the vet, then go in and dip my hands in bleach wash my hands for about ten minutes under scalding water.
So, yesterday, I let my dog pee on me. On purpose.
Today, I am going for a meeting with the Queen's Representative to the Province of Prince Edward Island, our Lieutenant-Governor. I expect I will be greeted by a military aide-de-camp, or perhaps a butler, and will be offered tea and possibly finger sandwiches.
I will look more or less like this: 
... and I will try to remember not to eat with that left hand.
Can I pause here just a moment to say how utterly fabulous you look? Those are great colors on you. Oh...and...don't accidentally shake hands with your left, either.
Posted by: wordgirl | August 29, 2006 at 11:10 AM
Is that a Monet tie?
Posted by: William | August 29, 2006 at 11:41 AM
Wow--look at you--no bare hairy scary legs in sight and nary a clog or a croc to be seen!
Did we ever tell you that you clean up well?
Posted by: Effie | August 29, 2006 at 12:23 PM
Whoops I meant "nary a clog NOR a croc"--my bad!
Posted by: Effie | August 29, 2006 at 12:25 PM
a) You look awesome.
b) I had a hunch you were a golden shower type of guy.
Posted by: Torrie | August 29, 2006 at 12:52 PM
I am taking full credit for the lack or bare, hairy legs and crocs.
Posted by: Allie | August 29, 2006 at 12:58 PM
Roxy - Good girl!!
Nils - Well turned out!
Allie - Thank god!!
Posted by: Lyn | August 29, 2006 at 01:13 PM
Handsome man even if he has been playing with pee pee.
Favorite line: I gave her a cookie, which wipes her memory clean, and we tried again.
Wish that cookie thing would work for humans!!!
Posted by: marybishop | August 29, 2006 at 01:19 PM
Yes, just keep that hand in your pocket...or, maybe not. That might make it seem like you're some sort of pervert.
Of course, with Torrie's golden shower comment, you just might be.
Posted by: candace | August 29, 2006 at 01:45 PM
Oh, too funny! I hate to tell you that I was able to perform this same task a little more successfully. Also used a foil pie pan. Dog gave me a funny look but had no problem peeing right in the pan, first try, too! OK, you can hate me.
Posted by: Katherine | August 29, 2006 at 02:37 PM
Nils, you're lookin' mighty fine in that picture, darlin.
And that cookie thing totally works on me... it works with hot fudge brownie sundaes, too.
Posted by: CircusKelli | August 29, 2006 at 02:39 PM
May I just second all the other commenters?
In that outfit, I'd vote for you too. ;)
Posted by: Laura | August 29, 2006 at 02:51 PM
So...did the vet confirm that it was, in fact, urine?
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | August 29, 2006 at 02:52 PM
ahahahaha!! The Pee Pee Collector!
You do look smashing! What's the meeting the Queen's rep. all about...did I miss something?
Posted by: Sara Sue | August 29, 2006 at 03:00 PM
Very sharp!!! Love the choice of colors. Good work, Allie.
Nils: See how you instinctively do not let the right hand know what the left hand has done?
:-)))
Posted by: Ortizzle | August 29, 2006 at 08:14 PM
Total studmuffin.
If I'm ever at your house, I will decline any food offered to me in a Tupperware container.
Posted by: kalki | August 30, 2006 at 01:11 AM
I like the memory-deleting cookie line, too. Some dogs are just that way.
Good outfit, too.
Posted by: Squirl | August 30, 2006 at 01:26 PM
Cookies don't do it for me, but nookie wipes out ALL bad memories.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | August 30, 2006 at 03:23 PM
Bucky, Bucky, Bucky.
sigh
Posted by: Squirl | August 30, 2006 at 03:38 PM
Still hot...
Posted by: wordgirl | August 31, 2006 at 02:05 AM
Mighty fine looking...
Posted by: Tanya | August 31, 2006 at 05:01 AM
Nils, you are one sexy, sexy bastard...
Now, where's Chapter 15, eh?
Posted by: CircusKelli | August 31, 2006 at 09:45 AM
I hope you weren't collecting the urine sample while wearing your fancy threads.
You look great!
Posted by: The Kept Woman | August 31, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Yeah...weren't we promised Chapter 15 days ago??
Posted by: Sara Sue | August 31, 2006 at 01:53 PM
um, you remember you said "Thanks for not nagging about Chapter 15", well, that was then and this is now.
Consider this the first official NAG from me!
Posted by: Effie | August 31, 2006 at 02:05 PM
Not at all hideous. Quite dashing, in fact.
I certainly hope you threw out that Tupperware lid.
Posted by: LadyBug | August 31, 2006 at 04:45 PM
Hey, Handsome....how's about a little Chapter 15 for the weekend?
and Yeah, toss the plastic lid. A dozen times through the dishwasher still wouldn't be clean enough for me.
Posted by: MrsDoF | September 01, 2006 at 12:06 AM