Today, Allison and I are going out shopping for a new suit for me. I am taking her with me because I know she does not like to be embarrassed, so she will see to it that whatever suit we buy will not be hideous and that I will look as good as I can look on my daughter's wedding day.
I cannot buy a suit by myself, because I am emotionally malleable when it comes to my appearance. I am a blank slate. I cannot think of myself in terms of "attractive" or "good-looking", or "sexy". In fact, typing those words in association with a discussion of how I look makes me exceedingly uncomfortable to the point where I fidget and use any possible ruse to change the topic. (Even if I am the one who actually introduced the topic.)
It's not that I am particularly humble. I'm absolutely not. There are things in my life or career that I will absolutely bore you to tears bragging about, things of which I am proud to bursting and unafraid to proclaim that pride to the world.
But how I look? Not among them.
I have always considered myself homely and chunky. And for about 32 years, I carried 70 extra pounds or so. That helped in the "Who could like my looks?" department.
I've felt badly for people who - through what I cannot help but see as kindness or questionable judgment - have tried to convince me otherwise. It can be frustrating, saying nice things to someone and have them reject it at the rim as forcefully as I tend to do that. I think something in me believes that after a while, they'll stop saying it and I won't have to deal with either a crazy person or someone who feels that kind of pity for me. How screwed up is it that telling me I look good or sexy makes me feel pitied and pathetic?
Look, this is not a plea for a bunch of comments saying "No, really, you're not hideous". It's just a little essay about how I feel when I look in the mirror. Were I to look at you, I would see a different person than you see in your mirror.
That ass you keep cringing about? To me, it's perfect. Yer skinny ankles? I love 'em. That hump on your back? Well, now that you point it out I see it, but I'll never see it as clearly as you do - because you're looking at the brush strokes and I'm standing back here looking at the whole beautiful painting.
(It does not escape my attention that I am saying to you precisely what people say to me, and getting every bit as frustrated by your eyerolling, deflection, and arguing. But in your case, you're wrong about how you look and, of course, in my case, I'm right.)
So, I'll take Allie with me and we'll go to the suit store and she'll work as an antidote to the salesman who will say, with a perfectly straight face, "Yes, that looks great on you," while trying not to throw up in his mouth just a little.
And maybe when we have something and it's been tailored and I've put it on and been reassured sufficiently, I'll take a picture of myself in it. And maybe I'll put it up here. And then you can all say lovely things about how I look ...
... and make me completely miserable.
Sound like a plan?
************** UPDATE ******************
We're back, and we have found a suit. It is an elegant, subtle, grey-blue pinstripe that Allie says matches my eyes and makes me look taller. Ish.
I am a hard person to fit into a suit, because I have a sort of barrel chest and broad shoulders, with a shortish body. That's not terribly odd, but I've lost enough weight in my waist that the proportions are not quite standard. When they ask my size, I always say "44 Stumpy".
But here's the thing: the pants that go with a 44 jacket have a waist size of 38. And when you say "Can I have this, but with a 36 pant, they say "Ohhh, no, we're forbidden to do that."
Well, bite me arse. I worked hard to get down to a 34/36, and I'm not going to take 38 waist pants, because it's not just the waist that's bigger. They're looser .. everywhere. If you get my drift. And tailoring them to look perfect costs money and gets awfully picky.
So, shhhh. When the salesperson was off finding me a tie or whatever, I grabbed the pants out of a somewhat mortified Allison's hand, found an identical suit in size 42, and made a quick switch. When I tried the ensemble on, everything fit perfectly. As I walked away, Allie had to agree with the switch move.
I believe the exact words from my 21 year old daughter's mouth were: "Ohh ... those pants do wonderful things to your tushy." Then: "OK, I'm pretty sure that's inappropriate."
We'll see if I still love the suit once it's been tailored, or if my love alters when it alterations finds. But for now, I'm thinking it might look ... OK.
Sir, I think you must start on ScottyGee's self image plan: Once each day, stand nude in front of a full length mirror, slap yourself on the ass and say "I am a sexy bitch!"
Posted by: Closet Metro | June 01, 2006 at 10:15 AM
I had a whole comment ready for you.
And then I read Closet Metro's opinion.
And you know what? He's Right.
Tell Allie to pick up an extra full length mirror for you.
And buy a paddle for yourself while you're at it. ;)
Posted by: Laura | June 01, 2006 at 10:29 AM
It's so good that Closet Metro's comment is first, because he said it quite well.
In my mind's eye, you are usually in that Wizard outfit from the Harry Potter party.
But I'm sure you will look fine on your daughter's wedding day.
Posted by: MrsDoF | June 01, 2006 at 10:52 AM
Mrs. DoF, that IS a great idea! He could always walk down the aisle wearing that wizard outfit. What a family photo that would make!
Posted by: Laura | June 01, 2006 at 11:48 AM
So guys feel this way too, huh?
I like the wizard idea. It could be one final way to embarrass your daughter before sending her off into married life.
Posted by: Ern | June 01, 2006 at 12:50 PM
Personally, CM, I find it always works better when I stand in front of the mirror and someone ELSE spanks my ass and tells me I look sexy. It sounds like Laura is volunteering. Works for me.
Diane (MrsDoF), the girls have put a lot of thought into their main goal for the wedding day, which is to "make Dad cry as many times as possible". I think I just may go with the Wizard look to exact my own revenge.
Posted by: Nils | June 01, 2006 at 12:56 PM
And Ern, see above: you understand completely.
Posted by: Nils | June 01, 2006 at 12:56 PM
Congrats on the suit and in record time I may add. Men shop must more efficiently than women. Unfortunately you may only be part way home, next up the selection of a shirt and tie and shoes. I myself would go tie-less......but then again who cares what I would wear. Besides almost all my clothing is black. My thought is everything goes with black including of course black....
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 01, 2006 at 01:59 PM
"Well, bite me arse."
Hehehehehehe.
And so, where's the photo? AND - My vote for What To Wear At The Wedding would be the wizard hat but nothing else.
You could walk her down the aisle, nude, plus wizard hat. This would most likely accomplish embarrasing your daughter AND making you cry... (And maybe some others in the audience?)
Posted by: Gerah | June 01, 2006 at 02:09 PM
Oh, my efficiency knows no bounds, Jim. I already had the shoes, I found a great price on some nice dress shirts, and found what I think is the perfect tie. So I'm good to go. I just wish I could wear my Crocs with the suit. But my daughter thinks they make my feet look funny.
And Gerah wins for comment most likely to produce the maximum number of shudders of revulsion ... yikes.
A picture will be forthcoming. Of me in the suit. As for the pics of me, naked in the wizard hat? Those are for one person and one person only.
Posted by: Nils | June 01, 2006 at 02:10 PM
Would you be sporting a magic wand , naked in the wizard hat?
Posted by: William | June 01, 2006 at 03:40 PM
Please. One does not "sport" with a magic wand. It is a solemn responsibility.
Posted by: Nils | June 01, 2006 at 04:13 PM
I'm a Crocs man myself, can't seem to get them off my feet. I've worn them with a suit and my feet did look funny.....Funny or not I will be wearing a pair with a suit to a wedding on Sat...my reason for living is just happy I've agreed to not go in shorts and a t shirt...
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 01, 2006 at 04:53 PM
Um...just WHERE on your body would you wear the wizard hat, if you were to wear nothing else? On your "magic wand"?
I can't take a compliment, either. But getting paddled in front of a mirror doesn't sound like a half bad way to spend a lazy afternoon.
Oh, and salespeople who won't sell you individual pieces of clothing that will actually fit you should be rolled in broken glass and then salted. Just my humble opinion.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | June 01, 2006 at 06:01 PM
I like the mirror idea. I may have to try that.
Posted by: Tanya | June 01, 2006 at 09:41 PM
I want a suit picture.
Posted by: Squirl | June 01, 2006 at 09:57 PM
The inventor of Crocs should be shot. Not only will Dad not be wearing his to the wedding, he and mom are not allowed to wear them off our property (I relaxed the rules a little to allow them to work in the yard; the rule used to be they couldn't wear them outside the house.)
Posted by: Allie | June 01, 2006 at 10:04 PM
You people are SO entertaining!
I know what you mean about looks, Nils. I have always had such a problem with not thinking I was at all nice on the eyes that I never believed when guys asked me out, that they were serious. I was told all my life that I was good looking, but I thought it was just something that people say to everyone. I met my husband on the internet and we sent pictures back and forth, etc etc. Never have believed HIM when he told me anything nice. I do not take compliments well AT ALL. Pretty annoying, to others as well, I am sure.
I am sure you will look awesome! I can't wait to see the picture. Smart move, taking your daughter by the way. I have a son who is very useful in that area.
Congrats on losing some weight, by the way!
Posted by: Lowa | June 01, 2006 at 11:17 PM
Allie Allie Allie....so young...during the "Golden Years" foot and back comfort takes on far greater importance than style and fashion. Although I think
they're reasonable cool looking (we can agree to disagree)...just be happy he doesn't wear white socks with them...
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 02, 2006 at 12:39 AM
Ummmmm ....
Posted by: Nils | June 02, 2006 at 01:51 AM
Oh, and come ON, Shakespeare afficionados. I get NUTTIN' for that last paragraph? Seriously? YOU do better.
Posted by: Nils | June 02, 2006 at 02:21 AM
You could always march down the aisle in the wizard hat spilling Shakespeare left and right.
I'm sure Erin would feel that it lends a little something extra to the ceremony. Personally, I love his dinner quote, which is as follows: "Food, Glorious food! As my stomach enlargens, glorious food!"
You could change it to "My wand! my glorious wand!
Again, also not appropriate for weddings, but there's something about this comment string....
And if she really wants to have some fun with Allie, have her wear Crocs underneath her wedding dress. ;))
Posted by: Laura | June 02, 2006 at 09:00 AM
Do I win first peek at the suit pic?
Kudos to you, for picking not only a love sonnet, but the "marriage" sonnet:
SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Analysis here:
http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnets/116detail.html
Posted by: whfropera | June 02, 2006 at 10:19 AM
Heeheehee Laura ... "... and as my wand enlargens ..."? Yeah, might not be good for going down the aisle. Perhaps as a toast later ...
And the Crocs as wedding shoes? I'm sooo on it, just to see the horror on Allie's face.
And THANK YOU, WTF. An opera maven to the rescue. All you English majors, shame on you.
Posted by: Nils | June 02, 2006 at 10:32 AM
I love this post. That Shakespeare sonnet is one of my all-time favorites. I got all squeeee when I saw it in Sense and Sensibility. "Oh Willoughby! Willoughby!!"
Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, loving this post. I am HORRIBLE at accepting compliments, so I completely understand feeling miserable when people say "ooooh you look great!" I always feel like they're pitying me. But I still love them for saying it. Is that weird? Ah well.
Posted by: Fuzzball | June 02, 2006 at 01:07 PM
Jim: He does.
Dad: Good luck. The only person who hates 'em more than me is Matthew, and while she does go out of her way to bug him, even she wouldn't risk him going, "Uh, you know what? Not so much with the 'I do'."
Posted by: Allie | June 02, 2006 at 02:10 PM
Good work on the switcheroo. Those things should be separates anyway!
I think almost everyone (ie 99%) of people can't take a compliment to save their life. Why is it that we're all super critical of ourselves, or just can't accept someone's opinion?
Weird, huh?
Posted by: Hemlock | June 02, 2006 at 02:14 PM
Ditch the white socks
Black socks are a must for such a formal occassion
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 02, 2006 at 02:14 PM
Clearly I need to use that special self-edit button. That should read "... everyone (ie 99% of people) can't..."
I'm pretty sure everyone could have figured that one out anyway.
Congrats on the wedding Allie. I myself will be walking the walk in early Sept.
Posted by: Hemlock | June 02, 2006 at 02:16 PM
To clarify, it is my older daughter Erin getting married, not Allison. Allie is just the bitch in charge.
Posted by: Nils | June 02, 2006 at 02:27 PM
BURN
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 02, 2006 at 03:56 PM
It's actually a compliment- I take pride in being the bitch in charge!
Posted by: Allie | June 02, 2006 at 05:43 PM
I don't see a suit picture yet. Are you ditching the white socks?
Posted by: Squirl | June 02, 2006 at 07:32 PM
Patience, patience. No suit will be shown until it is tailored to show me in the best possible light. Plus which, I need to find a new clip-on tie.
Posted by: Nils | June 02, 2006 at 08:11 PM
I moved into a house recently, no biggie except I bought my only house to date when I was 18 and waited until 52 to do it again. I digress. I had kept every tie that I have ever owned, clip ons, bow ties that one tied, skinny ties, wide ties, plaid ties, knit ties.....all in all 73. Some classics.. sent then to a charity. Too bad I'm sure I could have something suitable for the occasion and of course any selection would have gone with your Crocs
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 02, 2006 at 11:29 PM
As I recall there was some sort of internet contest - "Guess how many ties Jim has hoarded over the years" or some such thing. First prize was a tie. Second prize, presumably: two ties.
Posted by: Nils | June 03, 2006 at 12:30 AM
Correct, in fact I haven't shipped them yet. So there's still a chance. How about the trout one?
Posted by: Jim Fogg | June 03, 2006 at 01:11 AM
Sounds perfect for the wedding. Although people would accuse me of ... er ... soliciting compliments.
Posted by: Nils | June 03, 2006 at 06:49 AM
My son's girlfriend says I should watch a video of THE WEDDING PLANNER since I am up to my elbows in wedding invitations this summer (5 and counting).
This is the girl who bought a bag of neckties at the Thrift Store and sewed them into a cute skirt. She won't let me take a picture of her wearing it, but I think the one with The Cat in the Hat is on the right side.
Not a one has a trout. Jim should share his wealth.
Posted by: MrsDoF | June 03, 2006 at 11:30 AM
I will wait for the picture. There's nothing like having the perfect clip-on tie to top off the outfit.
Posted by: Squirl | June 03, 2006 at 01:16 PM
Loving you for hating Crocs, Allie. Loving you for the Shakespeare wit, Nils.
Posted by: kalki | June 08, 2006 at 09:19 PM