If Book Titles Were Honest

My friend Gerah, who is a lovely writer and is currently "in the family way" (you know, "up the stump"?  "Bun in the oven"?  "Knocked up"?  Yeah, that way.) reviewed a book of truths about pregnancy that she feels many expectant mothers should read.  It sounds like this book serves up some real facts about those nine months, as opposed to the sanitized versions of pregnancy that we read when our kids were coming down the ... er, pike.

We were reading stuff like "It is not uncommon for the expectant mother to feel some pressure during the process of getting an ultrasound" ... a far cry from what they should have said, which would be something like "OK, in the hour before the ultrasound, they want you to drink eight glasses of water and not pee.  You are already peeing nine times an hour.  Guess what not peeing will feel like?  No, way worse.  OK, now, they'll be late getting you in, just so you know.  Have a good day."

But the lies didn't start inside the books.  The titles were lies.  Titles like "Everything You Need to Know About Pregnancy" and "What To Know When You're Expecting" and "What's Happening to Mommy's Tummy?" all gave this Disney version of pregnancy, where everyone smiles, all the pains are "slight", and nobody promises to rain hell down upon you and everyone else in this goddamn room if she doesn't " ... get some decent fucking drugs right fucking NOW, do you hear me?"

With all that in mind, herewith some suggested honest titles for books on pregnancy, childbirth, and those early childhood years:

On Pregnancy:

They're All Liars - Yours Won't Go Anywhere Near That Smoothly Or Painlessly (And By The Way "You Might Feel A Little Discomfort" Is Their Code for "Ever Shit A Watermelon? Yeah, Way Worse Than That.").

"Honey, Can You Come In And Look At Something For Me?" - Some Changes To Your Body They Don't Mention Anywhere Else

"Well, Maybe Just A Little Fat, But ..."  - Things You Don't Say Even If She Says Them First And Tells You It's OK To Be Honest, Which, If You Didn't Know She Was Lying About THAT, What Are You, NEW?

Your Bodily Functions And You - Places You Didn't Think Stuff Could Come Out Of

Competitive Childbirth, or "Pain?  You Call That Pain?  Mine Weighed 12 Pounds, Came Out Sideways, and The Doctor Couldn't Find His Scalpel in Time"

Why Did Mommy Stop Drinking And Get Mean?

On Childbirth:

Fuck Tom and Katie - How To Reduce Pain Through Screaming, Swearing, and Threats of Bodily Harm

Easy As Pushing a St. Bernard Through A Cat Door!

Childbirth Without Pain, or Hey, Everybody, Let's Go on a Unicorn Hunt!

Tell Me I'm "Doing Great" One More Time And You're a Dead Man - or, 20 Suggested Phrases for Birth Coaches

What To Say Later If You Might Have Possibly, At Some Point,  Suggested That If He Thought Pushing Was So Fucking Easy, Maybe We Should Try Pushing A Two Litre Bottle Of Coke Up His Penis, Bottom First

Early Childhood Books:

NOW Do You Understand Why Your Mother Always Hated You?

Here's What Worked For Us - or, Thanks For The Tip, Fuckwad With Perfect Kids, I'll Get Right On That

Advice From Mom, or "I Wouldn't Do It That Way, But Of Course, It's Your Baby, Dear"

Oh, You Thought You Were Through The HARD Part?  Yeah, Sorry About That

Feel free to add your own honest book titles in the comment section.

Comments

[The Kept Woman]

Those would sell. Totally. I swore to god that if I heard that f'n nurse say, "Now make this push really count!" (like I was lolly-gagging around on the first 546...) I was going to have to beat the hell out of her...you know, once I got the kid out and epi removed and stuff...

The Girlfriend's Guide books (pregnancy and 1st yr.) are actually pretty good and honest if your friend is looking. Also Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs"is good. Crude as you would expect, but good.

[Stacy Quarty]

Love your titles! Especially, "Fuck Tom and Katie"! LOL 'til I'm crying.

Oh, and thanks to the link to my book!

[Squirl]

How about Breasts? I thought they were over-filled water balloons!

[anastasia beaverhausen]

Amen to all of that! No one tells you that, during orgasm, nursing mother's tits squirt milk like the geysers and Yellowstone Park. It's like wetting yourself...only higher up. Awww! Did that bring a bad picture into your head?

[song]

Squirl, overfilled water balloons would be lucky. Mine became more like water balloons half filled with sand (I bet you'll never touch a sandfilled water balloon in the same way again)

I love the 'Honey, can you come and look'. When about a month after I gave birth, my boyfriend decided he was going to execute races, up the bedroom wall, with my breastmilk, to see which tit could squirt higher. Men! *sniff*

[Torrie]

I love you.

[ms minnesota's mom]

It felt alot better goin' in that it will comin' out!"

[Effie]

Reading those titles makes me eversomuch more apprehensive about thinking of starting a family, but it's gotta be done, right? Right? *breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth*

[marybishop]

Great titles, I also vote for the TomKat title...!

[CircusKelli]

Those are great! Not a book title, but I love the email that goes around with "When is a good time to get the epidural? -- Right after you find out you're pregnant!"

When the doc came in and politely asked if I would like an epidural, my reponse was "Can I have TWO?!"

[Julio Cesar]

Har,har, har (me chocking as I laugh of the title selection)...

How about "Child birth: Start hating your husband in a few hours"

"Child birth first aids: How to mend a twisted husband arm"

[Nessa]

hey, i did it all without pain medicine and it rocked and sucked at the same time and yeah

[Schnozz]

I just watched Nova's Miracle of Life (the updated version) and between THAT and THIS, I am absolutely never having children. It's just not NATURAL!