(Possibly) Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

Next week I hit the road for the spring touring season.  I'm pretty antsy to get going on it, to tell you the truth.   I've been off the road  - and off stage - way too long.

I won't be touring much in North America this year.  Or really, ever again, I don't think.  A few special shows here and there, perhaps, but it's tailing off.  Part of that is my choice and part of it ... well, isn't.

I love performing, I really do.  I live for the moments I'm out there on stage - it feels completely right to me in ways I can't really explain.  But solo touring is a gruelling, lonely life.  Where it once had the appeal of being new and different and exciting, now it just feels like I'm dragging my ass around the country, following the money.  And that's not something I want to do.

I've been pillar to post in Canada.  Coast to coast to coast.  I've done my two main shows ("The Truth About Daughters" and "The Truth About Love and/or Marriage") in giant theatres and in tiny halls, to audiences of over 800 and under 10.  There have been far too many shows to accurately count, but certainly over a thousand in nine years.  (Just saying that makes me go "Yikes.")

Oddly enough, the shows still feel fresh when I do them - especially  surprising for "The Truth About Daughters", which I've been doing the longest.  I'd have thought I'd be bored silly with it by now, but it still feels really alive and vibrant and I still think I perform it pretty damn well.

But I have performed both shows a lot, and if I want to mount another major tour in Canada, I will have to write a whole new show : "The Truth About ...?"    ...what?

And that's the thing.  I don't feel like I have anything more to say.  At least, not something I'd be interested in hearing, and believe me, I have to listen to me every goddamn night and if I lose interest, it ain't gonna be pretty for anybody.

And even if I did find something to say, and pulled together a whole new show ... I'd have to head out on the road alone again.

People always seem impressed when I tell them I'm a touring performer.  They seem to envy my life.  And I guess I understand that - maybe it looks cool and free and romantic from the outside.  But like anything else, when you're on the inside, the view is different. 

Want a snapshot?  (And please, if you're living in one of the towns I have visited or will be visiting, I assure you that your town wasn't like this at all.  This was the guys down the road.   You know that town you make all the jokes about?  Yeah, them.  Your version of Shelbyville versus Springfield.  Hooooot hooooot.)   

When you first start touring solo, every place is new and fascinating in its own way, and you meet cool and interesting people.  The second time around, those places you thought were cool?  Well, some of them are.  But some of them are just holes in the wall, flyspecks on the map, and the excruciating 6 hour drive to get there leaves you drained. 

So you get into town, check in, and collapse in your hideous rural hotel room.  Ron James perfectly described a typical rural motel as "a great place to stay - if you're on the lam from the law!".  You throw yourself onto the hide-the-stains-patterned bedspread, grab the remote control (careful - the battery compartment is scotch taped) and watch whatever you can find on basic cable (assuming the GoldStar TV gets even that) until it's time to go in and do the sound check.  You find the theatre, and nobody is there because it's 4:00 and they're all volunteers and they just got off work, so you wait in your car till they show up. 

Which they finally do, and maybe they understand how to set and focus lights and program their snazzy new lighting board that they got when the community arts program got a big government grant ... but then again, maybe the guy who did understand that lighting board moved away or is on holidays or in jail or sick, so you have to go up into the booth, puzzle out how the board works, and give some eighteen year old kid from the high school AV club a crash course in theatre lighting.  And the whole time you're explaining it to him, he's looking at you with that charming, vacant gaze you only get in teenaged boys or cocker spaniels.

And now it's 6:30, and the doors open at 7:30 for an 8:00 start.  So you go to the Green Room, which can be anything from a lovely lounge with plump sofas to the school's Art Supplies Room/Teacher's Lounge, and you find there a tray of finger sandwiches that thank GOD your manager makes sure is in the rider on your contract, and you split the sandwiches between you and the 18 year old kid and wonder who the hell actually BUYS white bread any more, and will it stick to the roof of my mouth all frigging night, do you think? 

(Oh, and really, egg salad sandwiches?  Please.  Just toss them in the garbage and eliminate the middle man.  Nobody has ever eaten an egg salad sandwich, number one, and b) I'm on the road - if your frigging egg salad sandwich has gone over, I'm the one up there trying to get through Act Two without sharting.)

But then it's show time.  And for the next two hours, it's all OK. 

Afterwards, people are really nice and very complimentary and they shake your hand and maybe they buy a book if they thought to bring cash.  And then the audience goes home and the organizers come over and are really nice, too, and they slip you THE ENVELOPE and maybe help you gather your stuff together and load it in the car. 

Which you do, and head back to the hotel to watch The Weather Network or oh my GOD how many fucking movies did Steven Goddamn Segal make, anyway?  But you watch, munching away on some crackers and cheese, and thinking to yourself "Yeah, this is romantic as hell.  Envy me, all you people working nine to five."

And the next morning, you wake up, get in the car, and pull back onto the highway.

I'm not complaining - hey, I picked the life, and in fact actively worked to make it happen.  I'm just giving you a glimpse of the reality of solo touring in Canada and some insight into why it might not seem as appealing now as it once did.

So, while I may continue touring in Canada, it won't be solo stuff.  I'm working with some musicians and dancers to pull together a couple of really fun shows, and we'll see what happens there.

I don't tour in the U.S..  I wish I could, but I can't.  Not allowed.  Evidently, I am considered a threat to the stability of the American economy, because I'm taking the job of an American who could ... what, be touring with shows that I've written?  Yeah, it's bogus. 

What they have is a complex series of performer's visa regulations designed by lawyers and meant to give employment to lawyers.  So, unless I'm willing to pay a lawyer to prepare my application ($1500 minimum), then pay the fee ($1000 or more) to get the application fast tracked (!) to 90 days ... then performing in the US just can't happen.  Shame.  I'd like to do shows there, and I know my shows would play.  But ... not gonna happen.

But what is happening, and happening more and more, is touring in England.  I'm heading over there in mid-February for another month-long tour, my third.  It's fun (because I travel with someone), it's different, interesting, much more low-tech (almost unplugged, really), and the audiences there seem to really get a kick out of the shows.  I could tour in the U.K. forever and not get tired of it.  I just love the place.

So, here is a schedule of my upcoming shows for the next few weeks, with contact numbers where I have them:

Feb 10:  Holland, Manitoba (Daughters)
Feb 11:  Carberry, Manitoba  (Love and/or Marriage)  ((204) 834 - 6617)   
Feb 12 (matinee):  Souris, Manitoba  (Love and/or Marriage)

Note the February 12th show.  It will mark the 14th consecutive time I have failed to be home for my wife's birthday.  Seriously.  14 times in a ROW.  Gotta be a record.  A very EXPENSIVE record.  The performance that day:  The Truth About Love and/or Marriage.  I love irony.

Then we're off to Britain.  All shows are "The Truth About Daughters".

Feb 23rd:  Pershore #8 Arts Centre, Pershore, Worcs.  (01386 561906)
Feb 24th: Hanley Broad Heath VH, Tenbury Wells, Worcs (01886 853692)
Feb 25th:   Martley VH, Worcs, (01886 88839)
Feb 26th:  Shelsley Beauchamp VH, Worcs, (01886 812608)

Mar 1:       Ashby & Thurton VH, Norwich, Norfolk, (01508 480695)
Mar. 2:      Welborne VH, Dereham, Norfolk, (01362 850268)
Mar 3:       Watlington VH, King's Lynn, Norfolk (01553 810584)
Mar 4:       Priest Weston VH, Shropshire, Wales, (01938 561425)
Mar. 5:      Stoke Prior VH, Leominster, Herfordshire ( 01568 760380)

(Here, we get a couple of days off.  We're flying over to Belfast for a visit with our friends, Joy and Glenn Miller.  Flights in the UK are incredibly cheap - "I-don't-know-how-they-can-do-it" cheap.)

Mar 8:        Langley VH, Langley on Tyne, Northumberland (0870 751112)
Mar 9:        Henshaw CEC School, Henshaw,  Northumberland (01434 344582)
Mar. 10:    Goring Heath, Oxon. (joyce.scarth (AT) southoxon.gov.uk)
Mar 11:      Chesterton Primary School, Chesterton, Oxon., ( 01869 241019)
Mar 12:       Penrith Playhouse, Staffield, Penrith, Cumbria  (01768 898187) 

Then home for a bit, before:

Mar 24th:    St. Thomas, Ontario  (The Truth About Daughters)
Mar 25th:    Athens, Ontario   (The Truth About Love and/or Marriage)

If you're around, come and see a show.  And come say "Hi" afterwards.  You'll probably be keeping me away from Steven Segal.  Don't worry about that.  In fact, thank you.

Comments

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Good lord, man - I can't keep up with the pace of your posts the last couple of days.

Hey, why not let me tour with your show in the States? I just know with the right makeup, no one would ever guess it wasn't the REAL Nilbo.

[Nils]

Sure they would, Bucky. Everybody would say "Hey ... his voice isn't THAT deep..."

[Ern]

Any British Columbia or Alberta shows?

"He's looking at you with that charming, vacant gaze you only get in teenaged boys or cocker spaniels." = brilliant.

[Laura]

How cool that you and Joyce will be touring England again! I know you two will have a wonderful time together, and she can help you with the map reading between cities.

So glad to hear you're not even thinking of a cigarette at this point!

I must agree with you about our immigration laws, which are ridiculous. We've tried to help one of our good friends and one of my hub's aunts try to move here from Canada, and it was a paperwork nightmare.
Our friend was able to move after all, after paying huge fees to the lawyers, but hub's aunt never did make it, much to my chagrin. I really would like to see her living here!
And yet, we have all dozens of people who can't even speak english living here. it's insane.

Maybe you should write "The Truth about US Immigration Laws" instead.

or the truth about mothers... :x

p.s Segal is so overrated.

[whfropera]

Nils -
I will later this evening do a post on what its like to tour with a group of people doing a show.

[whfropera]

ok, people for the first time in my blogging career, I wrote a real post, and you have Nils to blame for it! :)

[Emma]

Just sent off the cheque for the 11th March - see you at Chesterton Primary Nils! I can't wait! :)

[Nils]

Laura: You win. For now. But time, as we say, is longer than rope;
Ern: I've done a lot of touring in Alberta and BC, but none is scheduled right now;
WTF Opera: That's hilarious! Folks - go read WTF's touring stories by clicking on her name up there.
Emma: can't wait to see a friendly face in England!

[Girl.A]

Penrith!
The setting of one of my all time fave movies, "Withnail & I"!

[Nils]

Girl A: It's gorgeous around there. Last tour, we drove through that area and someone took notes that said "Next time - we come here!" ... so, this time, that's what we're doing.

[wordgirl]

Will you blog from the road? Because, you know, we want to know what you're doing at all times of the day and night. When you're not around it just seems so lonely and...dark. (*sob*)

Really, kiddo, you're missed. I hate flying but damned if it wouldn't be worth it to fly north and see you do your "thang".

[Susie]

I enjoyed this. I think I would love it, if I ever had the guts to get up on a stage, which I don't, except to speak, on rare occasions. But I can see how it would get old. I'd like to come see you in the U.K. Not that I'm going there anytime soon, but that sounds appealing to me. Stranger things have happened.