I See London, I See France, Here's a Post 'Bout Underpants

    I was reading an expose about one of those ubiquitous, "no they're not, they're totally straight" boy bands that bloomed like so much aural algae in the 1990s, and I have to say I was at first shocked, then skeptical.  (Or sceptical.  I don't know exactly which one I was.  The one that goes with "neighbour" and "theatre".)

    In the article, the writer talked about how the members of the band would have an assistant go out every day and get them new underwear, new toothbrushes, endless supplies of liquor and drugs and, of course, adoring young female fans to decorate their sumptuous hotel suites.  Which, by the time they left, were something less than sumptuous as these self-styled “bad boys” would trash everything in sight, leaving behind empty bottles, stacks of half-eaten pizzas, barnyard animals, overturned golf carts ... you know, all the usual stuff.

    As I read this, I thought: “No way.  I can buy the barnyard animals and the golf carts, but throwing out underwear?  Men do not throw out underwear.”

    It’s actually one of the key differences between the sexes.  Men never throw out underwear, and women do.

    (It occurs to me that this is a sweeping generalization, and there are probably people who can show me lots of instances where men have thrown out underwear.  To those people, I say :”Please don’t.  Please go get counselling.  Seriously.  You need help determining which battles in this life are worth winning.  This isn’t one of them. Let it go.  Oh, and throw out your underwear.”)

    So, yes, it may be a broad, sweeping, unfair generalization, but that’s really only because it’s universally  true.  Throwing out underwear is an exclusively female behaviour 

    Don’t believe me?  Ask any married woman.  She will tell you that she not only throws out her own underwear when it falls into disrepair, she will throw out her husband’s.  She does this because she knows he would jettison his remote control, dump his last beer, and discard several of his less favoured children before she could persuade him to part with a 14-year-old pair of Jockeys worn so thin you could read through them (not that I am suggesting anyone try that).

    Ask any man why he doesn’t throw out underwear, and he’ll tell you it’s for “insurance purposes”. 

  When he says that, he’s not referring to potential bio-hazards (although ...). 

    What he means is, there may come a day when he will wake up in the morning to find every available pair of shorts is in the hamper, all ready for the big Underpants Party in the washing machine.  Of course, being an idiot man, he will not have anticipated this moment and, say, done the laundry a day early.

    Nope.  When that fateful day comes, and every pair of briefs, boxers, bikinis, and even that thong she bought him (for that getaway weekend without the kids.)  (He wore it for about as long as she wore the French Maid costume.)  is out of commission, he will find himself down to one of two options:

(a)  Dump the hamper out and play the “I guess these aren’t as bad as the rest” game; or

(b)  Ride bareback.

    Leaving aside (a), (because surely nobody on earth has ever done that), we can briefly (ha!) consider (b).  In my admittedly limited experience in these matters, I will say that riding bareback in sartorial terms is much like riding bareback in equestrian terms: some people can, and some can’t.  Those who can ride bareback choose to do it all the time, and for those who can’t, there is much chafing and soreness and danger to areas in which you are very sensitive.

    So we’re left with - oh, yuck - (a) ...

     ... unless (!!!) ...

    That’s right, unless this brilliant man has had the wisdom and foresight to endure his wife’s contempt and not follow her orders to throw out a perfectly good pair of underpants just because the elastic is shot and there is a hole worn through one of the butt cheeks.  Well, both cheeks, but one of them is hardly noticeable.

    With a flourish born of the exhilaration in being proved right for once in his miserable life, he will triumphantly produce this ragged, threadbare undergarment and carefully don it, hoping not to sever the one remaining molecule of thread that holds the thing together and trigger a chain reaction that will cause the entire underpants system to disintegrate into a small pile of almost-but-not-quite-white dust.

    He will then happily parade in front of his wife, crowing, all  “See?  See?  Didn’t I tell you?”, and will pull on his clothes and stride proudly out into the world, knowing that the rest of society is oblivious to the fact that his underwear is just a teensy bit ragged.   

   And what’s best about this is that he was finally, irrevokably, proved right in saving this favourite pair of underpants and how nice it is that they still fit perfectly and how silly his wife was for thinking he should --

    ... and then, just as his mother predicted, he will be hit by a bus.

Comments

[Steverino]

It's true... I have boxers with holes in 'em and boxers with "poor elasticity" (take that any way you want). I think of them, and all my other old T-shirts and things I never wear, as "back-ups"... or stuff I could wear if I needed to go muck around or had nothing else clean. Both of these scenarios never really happen.

[Ern]

So you're saying that when I surreptitiously enlarge the holes in my husband's underwear in order to hurry the throwing away of said underwear, I'm doing him a disservice?

[kalki]

Rob will let me 'throw out' his underwear as long as I pinky-promise to keep them as cleaning cloths. (I know, I know - EEW. He got this idea from his mother, 'nuff said.) But, aha! I now realize that my cleaning cloth pile is serving as his secret stash!! Dude is SO busted.

[ToadyJoe]

I'm with Ern - if there's a hole big enough for my finger to fit through, I rip that sucker from hell-ta-breakfast so it can't POSSIBLY be saved as "insurance"... and then I chuck it. This applies to unners, sox, and JEANS. Woe, Woe to the trusting and unwary soul who dareth to impart holey laundry in MY laundry basket!!!

[eclectic]

I LONG for a man who would keep underwear until it wore out! Think of the savings to our budget!! Hubby grew up with a mom who pressed his boxers.

Seriously.

He's um... particular about them. He finds reason to be dissatisfied in a given pair long before I notice anything amiss. And they're expensive!!

[Ken]

Staying at a hotel last week I had to choose between doing a laundry; buying new underwear; or wearing dirty underwear. I bought new ones - problem solved!

[Effie]

Yes, why is it that men cannot throw out their holey (or should I say holy) underwear? My hubby has a few pairs that he just won't part with-- and I keep reminding him that they really aren't doing ANYTHING anymore--I got him to dispose of one of the worst pairs--can you say air conditioning?

Your post made me laugh out loud!

[MrsDoF]

Uh oh, I iron son's boxers. But I don't mind ironing. Yes, I do spoil the kid rotten. Whenever I stop and buy him a latte for breakfast, the shoppe guy asks me how I expect him to find a good wife who will treat him so well?

As for MrDoF and his undies--I sent him a link to this post to ask if Nilbo had consulted with him, because it sure looks like you both are in cahoots.

[Ern]

Kalki, they make great rags though--very absorbent! And if you rip them really good, it will ensure he can't ever use them again. :)

[lawbrat]

Oh my. I have one male of each type. My oldest is very particular about his undies. Have to be boxer briefs, the hanes-type without the tag on the back, its printed on or something.
Youngest- to get him to put them on is a job in itself. He'd much rather go 'commando' (thats what we call 'riding bareback' in our house).

Now, dear Nilbo, how do I make my oldest not be so anal about his undies?

[HDL]

I think I could tolerate holes ANY DAY over racing strip stains. And, men, you all know that you have racing stripe stains. Don't lie!

[Girl.A]

hmm... I think maybe we're on a similar wavelength, nilbs.

I posted a graphic treatise on a related subject just the other day.

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

I have been an underwear-pitching wife on many an occasion. Often, I'll fake taking them to the 'mat for a "wash" and then ditch them in the laundromat trash cans.

Guys, if you don't want this to happen - launder your own drawers.

[Squirl]

There are no racing stripe stains in this house. So I figure I can use them for cleaning rags. There's no "stash" here as I rip and cut the elastic completely off first.