... or "How I Spent My Weekend".
Last week I got a phone call from Kelly, who runs the Prince Edward Island Humane Society. Every year as a fund-raiser, the Society offers folks an opportunity to have their pet's picture taken with Santa Claus, and for that, of course, they need a Santa. Would I volunteer ...?
Ah, geez. Touch a nerve, why dontcha?
For years, I was always asked to be Santa Claus. Hey, I was chubby and jolly and had rosy red cheeks and a snow white beard and twinkling eyes and almost no arrest record for moral terpitude. So naturally, I was the guy they called.
Except - you know what? It feels about the same being asked to be Santa Claus as it would if you were a woman and your local service club called and said "We're doing a charity midway and we were hoping you would volunteer to be the Fat Lady ..."
The words "Will you be our Santa?" have always sounded like "Hey, Fat Boy ..." to me. And truth be told, for a lot of years I deserved to be asked.
But not now. I've lost 70 pounds in the past year or so, and I'm just not fat any more. I mean, there's still a fat boy living inside me, and there probably always will be. But objectively, I am no longer physically obese.
I think I whined when she asked me. "But ... but ... I'm not fat!"
"It's OK. We have lots of stuffing ..."
Well, the cause could not be better - my family has always done whatever we could to support the Humane Society. Our brainless dog Roxy and Main Cat Oliver came from there (our Emergency Auxiliary Cat, Ducky, wandered into our lives out of the fields in back). Both my daughters have volunteered there - in fact, Allison still goes once a week to take a two hour shift. So ... there was intense family pressure to say "Yes". Plus, they wanted to see me in the Santa suit, I'm sure.
So on Saturday, with Allison as my elf, I donned the Santa garb:
I was prepared to be peed on (well, who isn't?), and bitten (again ...) and scratched (...) but in fact, all the animals who came were a lot more nervous about me than I was about them. The owners were all goofily proud of their pets.
One woman brought in her little dog - I think the dog was a Yorkie, but I'm not completely sure. She was a teeny tiny thing, and she was quivering like a tuning fork. I slipped my arm under her and took the weight of her chest in the palm of my hand, and could feel her tiny heart just racing.
No wonder. She'd just been diagnosed with an enlarged heart and had recently had kidney problems and at 15 years old, well ... all you can do is treasure the moments with her, I suppose. And this is what the woman and her husband were doing. I don't think the poor thing will get another picture with Santa, so I asked the photographers to keep snapping till she looked perfect. It was a bittersweet moment.
I the end, we raised a bunch of money for the Humane Society, and people got their pictures, and someone even said to me "Santa ... you've been working out!"
All in all, a good day.
As soon as I saw that her name was Kelly, I knew you'd agree to it. Men always agree to our requests, if you know what I mean.
(BTW, that's a great London Eye photo.)
Posted by: kalki | November 28, 2005 at 12:52 PM
too cool! hey, remember that comment you left about the weight loss thing? have you been over to the forum HDL made? cuz you should - and share your secrets!
Posted by: Nessa | November 28, 2005 at 01:28 PM
Don't you just hate it when you work hard to change something about yourself--physically or otherwise--and you still get pigeon-holed for the old qualities? I'm glad someone noticed your efforts...even though the mattress layers of Santa costume. You MUST be thin if they can detect your svelte bod through all that!
I know that doing it for such a good cause helped the matter a lot. I don't mind "taking a bullet" like that if someone really needs it. You're a good soul.
Posted by: wordgirl | November 28, 2005 at 01:32 PM
Sorry...typing without my contacts in. I meant "even through". Not "even though".
Someone get me a white cane. STAT!
Posted by: wordgirl | November 28, 2005 at 01:33 PM
Well done you, taking a Christmas bullet for the animals!
If it helps at all, I think you make a very svelte Santa.
Posted by: Tracy Kaply | November 28, 2005 at 02:20 PM
*removes nose from Santa's crotch*
Oh, was someone in line behind me?
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | November 28, 2005 at 02:31 PM
It's Santa Nilbo!
Good for you, doing something good. The *real* fat man will be sure to leave something wonderful under your tree this year.
Posted by: suburban misfit | November 28, 2005 at 02:34 PM
Look--it's svelt Santa--how sweet of you! Love the hair too...
In town here we have a guy that LIVES to play the part of Father Christmas--he has a big floor length red cape and long white hair and a long white beard and he charges $100/hour --YOIKES! If I could make that much dressing up in a costume (not a skimpy one) I'd do it! I'll dress up as an elf for $50 an hour....
Posted by: Effie | November 28, 2005 at 04:07 PM
You got to be Dumbledoore AND Santa all in one year.
You are the coolest guy on the internet!
Posted by: Kristine | November 28, 2005 at 07:57 PM
He gets less cool when he doesn't omit the part about how he quite possibly scarred a kid for life.
Posted by: Allie | November 28, 2005 at 08:00 PM
My daughter's clumsy sentence construction aside, she is referring to a moment when Santa, in an unguarded moment, was relaxing and airing out his head - hey, a fuzzy hat AND a wig? Santa's head needs air!
I was recounting a trip earlier that day to the store when this youngster came wandering around the corner. Santa's elf, having been caught unawares (despite it being her JOB to make sure Santa wasn't surprised), poked me in the side.
I immediately recovered, told the young fellow "Don't do drugs, kid," and there was a heartwarming scene wherein he kinda ran off to hide.
Sneaky little bastard gets a lump of coal this year.
Posted by: Nils | November 28, 2005 at 08:23 PM
Your daughter reads your blog--that's really cool.
On a side note: I left the book (authored and autographed by you and which arrived well before Christmas--Thanks!) on the table in the kitchen.
A couple hours later overheard youngest son reading part of it aloud in a phone call to a buddy. Much laughter and thigh slapping.
Posted by: MrsDoF | November 28, 2005 at 10:05 PM
Nils is that you? Billy Bob Thornton perhaps?
When my sister was about 6 or so, there was a Santa at a store called Clarke's which was an early version of Wal-Mart. After seeing the discount Santa, my dad asked what he said while she was sitting on his lap....her reply.....he said move along little girl.........
Happy Holidays.....
Posted by: Jim Fogg | November 29, 2005 at 11:54 AM
Did you stuff your crotch with milkbones?
Posted by: Torrie | November 29, 2005 at 02:51 PM
Why do you think it's so difficult to lure Bucky away from it?
Posted by: Nils | November 29, 2005 at 03:41 PM
I know it's been said a bunch a times, but good for you for donating your time to such a great cause.
Posted by: LeafGirl77 | November 29, 2005 at 04:31 PM
Did you just call Bucky a dog?
Congrats on the weight loss. And good for you, being Santa to those critters.
Just for that, some tasteless holiday mental health jokes for you:
What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas carol?
Do You Hear What I Hear?
An agoraphobic's favorite?
Home for the Holidays
A pyromaniac's favorite?
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
(Please don't report me anywhere. Work is a little slow today :0)
Posted by: Susie | November 29, 2005 at 04:45 PM
Bucky does what to her sugary crotch?
Posted by: kristine | November 29, 2005 at 04:55 PM
Yes, yes. That explains it.
Posted by: Torrie | November 29, 2005 at 06:40 PM
Well, even if you didn't look like Santa this year good for you for doing it.
and almost no arrest record for moral terpitude
Very discreet aren't you?
Posted by: Squirl | November 29, 2005 at 09:04 PM
Oh, now the secret of my sugary crotch is out.
One at a time, folks. Unless there are actually two of you who want some.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | November 29, 2005 at 10:19 PM
You're a good man, Charlie Brown!
I'm thinking some sort of calendar is next....
Posted by: jessica_deva | November 29, 2005 at 10:44 PM
Aw, that just made my day. You are so kind, Nilbo. I smooch you.
Posted by: Amanda B. | November 30, 2005 at 02:19 PM
I gotta ask, where's the picture of Al as an elf?
Posted by: mel | November 30, 2005 at 06:51 PM
I hear the real Santa is on a fitness regime as well--he was having trouble keeping up with the route, what with his old age and the 6 billion people and all.
*grumble, grumble, stupid breeders, grumble*
Posted by: Ern | November 30, 2005 at 08:06 PM
Bucky - good things come to those that wait. I can be patient.
Ok, you are possibly the best looking Santa I have ever seen. The girl on the phone was right though. More padding needed.
;)
Posted by: Kylz | December 01, 2005 at 02:26 AM
You got to be Dumbledoore AND Santa all in one year.
You are the coolest guy on the internet!
...You forgot his turn as a crystal-ball consulting psychic!
Posted by: whfropera | December 02, 2005 at 09:21 AM
I keep running into discussions on various blogs about older pets ... my cocker spaniel is 14 years old and is really slowing down (except when treats are involved). I just get so sad to think of anything happening to him. Something like a picture with Santa would be nice - you did a good deed!
Posted by: Monica C. | December 02, 2005 at 06:37 PM
btw, "snuffle" is a wonderful word, and sadly underused. Thank you for featuring "snuffle" here.
Posted by: Susie | December 04, 2005 at 04:26 PM
Nilbo--you are so awesome that Pete said he would hump your leg.
Posted by: marit | December 04, 2005 at 08:09 PM
The puppy story is so sad! Jessa's heart beats like crazy when she's excited, too. I know exactly what you're talking about. I just hope her heart is the right size, and not too large, medically speaking.
Posted by: HDL | December 06, 2005 at 12:44 AM