A Personal (sort of) Encounter With A Comment Spammer

A few days ago, I posted some musings on winning a lottery.  A few of you read it, and fewer still made some comments - nothing unusual.

Then came a comment from someone identifying himself as "Michael".  It read:

"There are smarter ways of playing the lottery. I would like to point out a very cool program that I am a member of. Basically, you can get paid to play the lottery which is VERY cool. If you check out (link deleted) and click on “Income” it explains everything. To be a captain sounds expensive ($50 a month) but with just two team captain referrals you are already getting paid to play the lottery every month. Plus, since you are on a team, you increase your odds of winning. I’m not saying you have to join, or that you even have to give it the time of day. I’m just letting you know that there are options out there for playing the lottery smartly."

It irked me - I hate comment spam.  So I responded, calling him something along the lines of "a spamming prick" ... which he is.  I figured that would be the end of it, because spam is usually generated by a computer and computers don't mind being called "pricks".

But no.  "Michael" took umbrage, and responded to my comment by telling me to go easy, that all he wanted to do was tell people about this wonderful new "system" for winning the lottery.

I contemplated responding to that ... but by now I was bored with the little prick and unwilling to give him any more of my time - or yours.  So, since I was posting today anyway, I went into my comments and deleted his and a few other spam comments I've received over time.

A little while later, I get this: 

"First off, I was accused of spamming for participating in the conversation and trying to offer a better way of playing the lottery. Then, I must've hurt Nils' feelings because I told him to calm down. Now my posts have been deleted so that you can't see how much he overreacted. It must be nice to censor what everybody see's on your website Mr. Nils. This way, you always look good in their eyes... but like I said before, good luck on that lottery win. BTW, don't forget to delete this post too."

Well.  How rare is this, when a comment spammer actually sticks around for a chat?  And since I am proud to be the Number One Google Result for the phrase "Miserable Old Fart", I'm not only going to avail myself of this rare opportunity, I'll give you faithful readers out there a chance to have a go as well.

Dear "Michael",

We're adults, you and I.  Please don't insult my intelligence - and that of the people who read this blog - by pretending you just happened upon this corner of the internet and decided that "participating in a conversation" was just the ticket for brightening up your day. 

You're a spamming prick.  Admit it, and we can proceed.

You know how I know you're a spamming prick?  Because earlier, I deleted your comments - and Typepad, of course, told me that these changes would be irreversible.  So how did I manage to quote your first comment with such stunning accuracy?  Could it be my eidetic memory?  Well, yes - my memory is really quite amazing, but in fact, I didn't have to search my brain.  All I did was Google your company's name (which will not be mentioned here), and Presto!  A whole bunch of blogs from all around North America, unrelated to one another in any way except that in some way the lottery was mentioned - and all having received a friendly visit from "Michael".

I'm impressed, by the way.  In an uncanny feat of memory, you were able to reproduce precisely the same comment for each one.  Ah, good old "Michael", always the helpful, if somewhat repetitive guy.

You're a spammer, "Michael".  You're one of the most ubiquitous and despised denizens of the World Wide Web, a sleazy, persistent weasel who takes something that other people use for their own entertainment and amusement and tries to turn it into profit for himself.

You say "It must be nice to censor what everybody see's (sic) on your website, Mr. Nils".  Well, "Michael", I have to say it's more than "nice".  It's also a responsibility.  Because this is my home on the World Wide Web, and I hope people who come here see it as a reflection of me.  So if some half-assed Florida snake-oil salesman drops by with a friendly tone and a pyramid scheme to peddle, I will sure as hell make sure nobody is fooled by it, and I will toss him out on his ear.  Incidentally, I'd do the same if I had some folks come by for a party and you appeared on my doorstep.

"This way, you always look good in their eyes.", you say.  Umm.  No.  I don't always look good.  Sometimes I look downright goofy.  But that's OK.  I don't try to hide who I am.  You know, like some bottom-feeding spam peddlers we could name, "Michael".

So, "Michael", why don't you stick to defrauding pensioners and bilking gullible trailer trash out of their welfare money?  You are the embodiment of everything bad about the internet.  You are a waste of skin, and not only not worthy of our time, you're not worthy of your own.  Everybody who reads this blog knows exactly who you are, and what you do ... and we loathe you for it.

Now, run along, you tiny-brained spamming asshole.  Don't make me get annoyed with you.

Regards,

Mr. Nils

Please feel free to add to my thoughts about "Michael".  It won't change who he is, and won't make him feel any shame - I suspect that ship has long since sailed for "Michael", and he is either incapable of shame or so amoral that others' thoughts about him have no impact.

But I already feel better for calling him on his shit, and you will, too.

Comments

[bill]

Nilbo,
I have said this before on other blog comment sections, you are one of the funniest, most intelligent bloggers that I read.

You can delete this at anytime to make yourself look good.

[The Trailer Trash]

What? You mean Michael isn't our friend?

Call the dogs from under the porch, daddy!

[Rob]

I was reading your post, Nils, and I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about a great site where you can get all kinds of comment spam at great prices. All my friends are talking about it and it has really saved me a fortune on comment spam. If you're interested in saving all kinds of money on comment spam, just follow the link: http://www.ISavedOnCommentSpam.com

[Nils]

Thanks for the kind words, "Bill" .. I'll leave your comment up for now, because such perspicacity makes YOU look good.

TT - "Michael" is a perfect meal for a hungry hound or six. Release the hounds.

Rob - to disprove "Michael's" point about making myself look good, let me admit before the internet as a hole that I actually clicked on your frigging link. I'm an idiot. BUT ... you are a slacker. Comment away, but it's time to post.

[Davey]

Internet as a "hole"; I think you're on to something there.

Did someone mention "grammar Nazis"?

I really do have too much time on my hands. Pity me, please.

[Nils]

What, it's not a hole? As in a Black Hole of Time ...? Forgive me my teensy running joke ... and yes, you do have too much time on your hands.

[kalki]

Dude, I am SO taking you to Target with me. That Amway bitch is going down!!

[Susie]

Well, Mr. Nils, you beat me to it, I was just going to tell Michael that you don't always look good in our eyes. But, dude, did you really have to call him "sic?" That's a little harsh, don't you think?

[Nils]

Kelly, I'd shred that slimy Amway woman. She would rue the day she chose you as her Target target.

And Susie - I am a master of self-deprecation - nobody beats me at beating me. And anybody who misuses grammar or punctuation on my blog is sic.

[Maurice]

I'm a longtime reader of your blog, Nils, but this is my first time posting a comment. But your response to "Michael" was simply too brillant not to echo bill's compliment. You absolutely crack me up.

[SillyNessa]

Nils baby - you are the bomb diggity! Michael - you are a spamming prick!

[Nils]

Maurice - lovely to have you, and please feel free to inject your thoughts anytime. You seem a man of unusually sound reasoning.

And Nessa, darlin' ... thank you for your kind words to me, and your deadly accurate assessment of "Michael".

[Sean Brady]

I'm a long time reader and listener of your material Mils, but this is my first time checking out your blog. I happened across it after someone responded to my W@U post (weblogs.upei.ca) about 'truths and half truths' with a post to your blog.

Nice job of dressing down a comment spammer. They should all be stripped, hung by their townails from an ethernet line, and beaten to within an inch of their life with a ragged USB cable. Or short of that, have their comments deleted and their IP banned!

[Circus Kelli]

Ha! Good on you Nils! I've thought about commenting back to a spammer now and then (especially when there are more than 10 in my inbox and I'm in the throes of PMS), but I've always backed down. Mostly because I didn't want it to go on and on and on.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some comment spam on my site that I must get rid of...

[Ern]

Nils, I have been a fan for awhile now, but I don't know about this. I can't believe that you would stoop to censorship. Michael was clearly just trying to let you in on a low-priced opportunity that would only benefit you in the long run.

And you should take it as a complement that he came back to see your blog. He was obviously impressed by what he saw here, more than all those other blogs he visited.

*shaking head*

[Nils]

Hehehe I'm going to take that as delivered with your tongue firmly in cheek, Ern, darlin ... otherwise, I'd have to say that when you shake your head, you'd be hearing a *rattle rattle* sound ...

Sean, thanks for your kind words, and please keep coming back ...

Kelli ... usually, the best approach with spammers is to click-delete-and ignore, but in this case, I was in a bad mood and buddy seemed especially persistent. So I accomodated him. It won't happen often, but this time, it was amusing - to me, at least.

[suburban misfit]

Oh, Nils. Just for this, just because you are one funny as hell mutha, just this one time:

Hallowe'en.

[Nils]

SM ... let me just say "Ahhhh ..."

[Ryan]

As a member of the Nintendo Generation, I feel out-classed here. Could somone please tell me what a "bomb-diggity" is?

[Return of the Flaming Nazi Grammar Infidel]

aww come on Mils. the guy just wants to make a living like anyone else. I was kind of hoping he'd come back to haunt your site, but it seems as if you've chased the likes of him away for good.
Christ'mas is coming, let us all revel in peace and good will toward all men and fellow scots.

[Leane]

Wow I didn't know that the comment spammers would ever come back again, let alone respond to people!!
Michael must have a lot of time in his day. Hope you've chased him off for good.

[spoonleg]

BWAHAHAHAHA, oh nilbo, will you marry me?

[whfropera]

One of the largest spammers and one of the first to get prosecuted lives here in one of the swankiest suburbs outside of Detroit.
When his name was published in the papers, people from all over the world signed his ass up for every possible third-class piece of junk mail you can imagine - for months, the entire lawn of his plus million dollar home was filled with mailbags. The best part? His REAL mail was mixed in with junk - someone had to go through all that stuff every day.

[Stephen]

Interesting. Looks like the same Micheal that responded on my site.

http://www.newrecruit.org/archives/2005/october/lotteryodds

[Squirl]

I was sure that all comment spam was computer-generated. I am so glad that you found one with a live body behind it, be his name Michael or whatever. Come on, Whatever isn't such a bad name with all the names they have for kids these days.

Anyway I love how you hit him and he had to come back for more. I just turned on word verification in blogger and don't have that crap anymore. I don't know if typepad has anything like that.

[Nils]

Yep, Stephen - same spammer, identical coment. Asshole.

Ryan, I'm not quite positive what a bomb-diggity is either, but if Nessa says I is one, I guess I is. Maybe it's a synonym for "miserable old fart".

Dear ROTF - just remember the apostrophe in Christ'mas is always silent.

Leane - I wouldn't mind if he came back. It's sorta like shooting slightly retarded fish in a barrel, but it's always good fun to smack someone who needs it.

Ah, Spoonie ,,, I'd marry you in a rapidly pounding heartbeat, if only so you'd wear your devil costume for me.

WTF - See, what that story needs is an ending like "... and one day, a pile of the mail fell on him and he was killed." Then we could clip the story, send it to Alanis Morrisette, and say "SEE? THIS is ironic! Now get it RIGHT!"

And Squirl, I'm guessing "Michael" gets called lots worse.

[Amy]

Good on ya, Nilbo. That Michael don't know who he be messin' with.

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

My boss likes to engage phone solicitors in long conversations wherein he tortures them. I just don't have the patience to do more than hang up on the fuckers.

[JessicaRabbit]

But what if I am running low on snake oil? Did you ever think of that? hmmm??

Poor dried out snakes...

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Jess...somehow I don't think the snakes are EVER dried out around you.

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

OK, I'll try this again:

Did all the snake talk scare everyone off? Or did everyone else have a hellish comment experience like I did yesterday.

*insert bitching and whining here*

[marybishop]

So very funny!

Poor Michael - you have to feel for the guy - he doesn't know how to automate his spam messages and must resort to hunt and cut and paste.

To Michael: unless you want Nils' fans to hunt you down and cut and paste you, I'd not say a bad word against this man.

[Kristine]

That post gave me pee pee tingles. I LOVE IT WHEN MEN STAND UP AND FIGHT AGAINST THE SPAM.

Nils, you're my hero.

[Dy]

Wow. I admit I linked to this under the title "If I weren't already happily married..."

You are SO my new hero. All the other ones died.

[Monique]

You are a blogging hero! Good for you for calling out that spammer! It's about time someone struck back.