Dear Internet,
I deeply appreciate your concern for my well-being.
I am humbled that somewhere out there, a lonely widow of a former Nigerian Head of State has settled upon me as the caretaker of her late husband's fortune, based on the good reputation I have unwittingly established. It's nice to know that a general lack of interest in hard work, irresponsibility with my own modest (no, way more modest than that) fortune, and highly questionable moral character have not weighed heavily against me, reputation-wise. I'm beginning to wonder who I would have to actually kill to get a bad reputation.
But in the meantime, I'm going to profusely thank all those people from Chad, Nigeria, Lesotho, Botswana, and Republic of Congo who are so keen to have me invest their fortunes for them and decline their offers. The truth is, I'd just make bad use of the money, anyway.
Likewise, I'm going to decline the offers of free herbal V1*agra and Cia1is and other remedies that will help me remain erect for "hours upon hours". The truth is, I don't know any women interested in spending hours and hours with me, erect or otherwise. Hell, even I get bored with an erect me after an hour, hour and a half tops. And that's even if I buy me a drink and talk dirty to myself. So, not so much interested, but thanks for the offer.
I'm also grateful for the offers to increase my penis size, although frankly that doesn't feel like a gift you're giving to me, exactly. But thanks, I'm going to say I'm okay for now. I mean, I'm a guy, so I can't pretend it's never crossed my mind, but honestly, at this point in my life, it's like giving me a new set of golf clubs. Everybody's impressed, but I won't play any better.
Hey, if you want, a new set of golf clubs actually would be nice, come to think of it.
In closing, may I say to the Internet that I love you, but will you please stop filling up my fucking Inbox with this crap? There's a dear.
Blove,
Nils
What?
That Nigerian bitch wrote to you, too?
Hmmmmmph.
I suppose that other fucker lied when he said I could have a larger pen1s too, huh.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | August 28, 2005 at 06:45 PM
it's always best to make sure the money is on the dresser first, y'know?
Posted by: whfropera | August 28, 2005 at 08:16 PM
Some bank manager in some third world country emailed me to say that he picked me to inherit some crazy-assed sum of money.
Do you think it's legit?
Posted by: suburban misfit | August 29, 2005 at 12:25 AM
Oh, I forgot to say that in order for him to make sure everything goes OK, I should send him the "number of the account where the money will be deposit (sic)".
So whaddya think?
Posted by: suburban misfit | August 29, 2005 at 12:26 AM
Damn. Lies, all lies. And I was so hoping for Bucky's pen1s to get larger.
Posted by: eclectic | August 29, 2005 at 03:21 AM
Eclectic, my pen1s grew by leaps and bounds when you entered the room.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | August 29, 2005 at 07:37 AM
SU: Don't be fooled. Bank managers don't have access to that kind of money. Hold out for widows, sons, and former finance ministers. If someone at that level asks you for bank account, phone number, or credit card information, I think it's pretty much a legit deal.
Bucky, sir, your pen1s growth is truly impressive. And you clearly have taken advantage of some sort of tongue growth pills.
WTF?Opera: always good advice, in any profession.
Posted by: Nils | August 29, 2005 at 08:28 AM
I do sorta like the horny housewives, though. I hope they never stop emailing me.
Posted by: kalki | August 29, 2005 at 01:04 PM
Hello, Nilbo the Wise.
I must add that I also have no need for a larger penis. My penis-less is just fine with me. As is the one of that guy I live with. ;P
Posted by: Ern | August 29, 2005 at 01:25 PM
The guy you live with is penis-less? How sad. Should I be forwarding you these e-mails, Ern?
Ohhh, and I do like "Nilbo the Wise". Beats the crap out of some of the other nicknames I've endured.
Posted by: Nils | August 29, 2005 at 08:33 PM
Hey Nils--
can you let them know for me that I don't have erectile dysfunction and my hubby certainly doesn't seem to have any problems either ;-) so they can stop sending me that message twice a day....
I wonder if people actually fall for any of those messages....
The first time I received the one about "I found a South African bank account has thousands in it and I can't access it.." I have to admit, it was worded pretty nicely and I was nearly fooled. I'm naive and I'm the first one to admit it....
Posted by: Effie | August 30, 2005 at 03:40 PM
there was a woman here in Michigan who was arrested after falling for that scheme - she embezzled 30-40k from her employer...I remember seeing it on the news a few years back. 2-3 i think.
Posted by: whfropera | August 30, 2005 at 05:18 PM
I just . . . have been waiting for a place to say, "Steppin' large and laughin' easy . . . " or something like that; and in my mind, it fits here.
Posted by: Susie | August 30, 2005 at 06:42 PM
Why, Susie...did your husband just get himself a new "set of clubs"? Improve his "swing"?
Can't keep his hands off your Titleist?
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | August 31, 2005 at 09:47 AM
I realize my comment up there was vague (possibly clouded by a glass or two of red wine).
I meant to say: I am penis-less, and that is exactly the way I like it.
My husband is NOT penis-less. His penis is of exellent endowment. No need for internet solutions. :)
You would think, being wise and all, that you would have been able to decipher that, Nilbo. On second thought, it was pretty garbled.
Posted by: Ern | August 31, 2005 at 01:54 PM
Doh! I mean excellent.
Posted by: Ern | August 31, 2005 at 01:55 PM
You just have to have the right e-mail accounts. I never have to see that crap anymore. What gets me is that some people must respond or it wouldn't be worth even the small effort that it is to send those things out.
Posted by: Squirl | August 31, 2005 at 03:11 PM