Grumpy Old Fart

I was in the drugstore the other day, browsing through the Foot Care section because ... well, because I’m at an age where all of a sudden, foot care seems interesting. Suddenly, I became aware of a clot of teenaged boys making trouble in Aisle Two.

This is an aisle with which I have become uncomfortably familiar in the past few years. It holds the, uh, “feminine stuff”, and I have a wife and two grown daughters living at home, so I spend more time in that aisle than men are technically supposed to. I'm never quite at home there, but I've learned to suck it up and have some faith the sales clerks won't think anything I purchase by way of paper products is for my own use.

I knew right away these teenaged boys were up to no good. And sure enough, there they were, making all sorts of teenaged boy jokes, which I must tell you have not become less disgusting in the years since my friends and I used to make them. The clerks stood around helplessly as these yabbering chimps disturbed the whole store. Clearly, what the situation called for was a grumpy old fart.

You don’t see too many grumpy old farts any more. And as a result, kids are running wild in public. It’s the Law of the Jungle. Without predators, a species that was once under control will overrun its territory and end up in Aisle Two, making crude comments about wings and personal freshness. Well, okay, technically the part about personal freshness is more an unwritten law of the jungle, but you get the idea.

Nowadays, kids are treated with respect and politeness, with consideration for their feelings and a recognition of their inherent worth as human beings. Feh. I’m not so sure we’re getting a better world out of the deal. I think by times they need to encounter a miserable old fart, just to show them their place.

When I was growing up, I was always running afoul of grumpy old farts. There was a store near our school with the most magnificent collection of penny candy in creation (yes, kids, back in the mists of time, penny candy cost just that. Or less.). Behind the counter lurked the meanest old fart in the world. We would go in after school and start picking through the open box displays of jujubes, licorice pipes, SweetTarts, Popeye brand candy cigarettes, and ni- ... er, TIGER babies (if you come from that time, you know what we used to call them. I'm not happy about that, and have brought up my kids to see it as horrible, but that was life in Canada in that unenlightened age. Hey, for God's sake, they were selling us candy cigarettes!).

Anyway, you didn’t want to pick through the candy too much, or old Mr. Roussen would start barking from behind the counter: “Hey, you kids ... get your grubby little muckers off that candy. You touch it, you bought it! And put those Batman comics down. This ain’t a library! And you, fat kid! Turn your pockets out!”

Same thing at the movie theatre. Nowadays, the kids just talk through the whole movie. If we tried that, the grumpy old fart who owned the movie house would come storming down the aisle with the little flashlight and shine it in everybody’s face. “You! Yeah, you, the fat kid with the turned out pockets ... yer outta here. Let’s go!” There was no argument, no appeal. You just went. You were a kid. He was a grumpy old fart. He had you covered like paper covered rock. And nature was in balance.

Well, when I ran across these boys in the drugstore, acting like a bunch of ill-mannered yahoos, I felt like I had to do something. So - just for that moment - I became a grumpy old fart.

“Hey, you kids! You wanna laugh and joke around, take it outside. This is a drug store, for God’s sake. Put that down, unless you plan on buying it for yourself! They're not real wings, ya know. Now, move it!”

You know what? They shut up and left. All they needed was someone to read them the riot act. The other customers were grateful, and so were the clerks. They called me “sir” when I went through the checkout. It was kind of neat.

I think this weekend I’m gonna get me a flashlight and go to the movies. “You! You with the green hair, with the cell phone you didn't have the courtesy to turn off! Let’s go, let’s go!”

Hmmm ... this grumpy old fart business might be fun.

Comments

[christopher]

Ah, the old silverback beats his chest and the rowdy young bucks cease their display activity and head for cover. Nature at work, red in tooth and claw. When I were a nipper (arrr, Jim lad, many years ago now), any father in the neighbourhood would regard it as his bounden duty to render an admonishment or even a cuff to restore seemliness and decorum. The wowsers would be out in hot pursuit these days. Be careful: a parent - aided by some lawyer who is actually using oxygen we might need some day - may bring a suit for the psychological harm you have done by humiliating their young lad in a public place. I try to confine my boring old fart activities to reminding Alan of the need for good spelling and grammar, but Craig does tell me it spills over into other areas of endeavour.

[Craig]

Oh perfect. Equally enjoyable is to have an out-of-control full blown purple in the face spittle flying hissy fit at the next merchant that treats you rudely. Yeah, you will never be able to go back, but jeeze it feels good.

[Daniel]

Being under the age of 30, I'm still a little shy of playing the role of grumpy old fart. However, your post and both replies (by all three of ye grumpy old farts) was most entertaining for this young whipper-snapper.

[Wayne]

An admirable profession. However, not without inherient risks. Be careful out there.

[.tal]

Oh, this brings back memories of days wondering the toy isles of the local TG&Y (long since out of business mulit-purpose store of the south) and being scolded time and again for playing with the toys by the Blue Haired Grumpy Old Fart that trolled the store looking for little kids to harangue.

[Sheila]

What a well written entry! Kudos to you in standing up and doing the right thing. It's a shame society and stores tolerate this kind of behavior nowadays. Perhaps if more of us stood up and refused to accept the unacceptable we wouldn't have such rampant displays of rudeness from these children. Sadly, it seems waiting for their parents to get them back in line is not going to happen.

[Dino]

MAN- CHILL..............................

[Jim Fogg]

Well said, must have sounded eerily like "Justin of Amercia"........had just entered the room.....