On Being Bald

As many of you noted, on viewing the picture of me and my grandson in the previous post, I am bald.

I have what is called male pattern baldness.  (Note that I "have" it.  I am not "afflicted" by it.  I do not "suffer" from it.  I am not "fighting a battle" against it.  I am not applying for a handicapped parking tag for my rear-view mirror.)  I started losing my hair in my late 20s or so and although I'm no longer keeping track, for all I know I am still losing it.  If I left it alone, I would have a smattering of fine, sparse hair on the top of my head, but I use a razor to tidy that up.

Like any guy (and there are so many of us) who has grown up with this, I have  heard every bald joke in  creation.  And really, there are only so many.  They're not particularly fresh or clever.  Men have been going bald since the dawn of time, and people have been trying to make them feel bad or inferior about it since the very first follicle hit the ground.  When you make a bald joke, you are ploughing very tired soil.

What always interests me about bald jokes is the motive behind them.  I mean, when someone who despises me makes a bald joke, I get that - they want to let me know that they feel superior to me because they were able to arrange their genetic structure in such a way that they won't experience male pattern baldness.  As you might imagine, this doesn't work as well as they hope.  Instead, I sort of feel smug about their inability to grasp simple scientific concepts.

But what bemuses me is bald jokes coming from my friends.

See, bald jokes aren't the kind of thing where you're "laughing with" someone.  If you're making a bald joke, you're probably not bald.  Because of the way society views baldness, you probably know that the person you are making the bald joke at has spent years being pitied, mocked, dismissed, overlooked, or teased for his "affliction".  So, when it's your friend ... why would you do that?

The thing is, I don't think it's a mean-spirited effort to hurt.  But there's a fascinating short circuit in our social wiring when it comes to baldness. It's as if my baldness - in and of itself - gives you permission to sneer about it.

Most of us would never dream of mocking friends about other notable genetic characteristics they have.  "Hey, leave some air for the rest of us, Big Nose!"  "Nice map of Albania on your forehead there, Gorbachev!"  "Wow, is that your ass or are you shoplifting an ottoman under that dress?"

But baldness?  The bar is, evidently, open.  Curious, that.

Look, I know I'm bald.  And I'm not defensive about it.  I'm not defiant about it, I'm not embarrassed by it, I'm not proud of it.  I'm not anything about it.  I don't have hair in the same way that you do have hair.  I don't notice it - or, I guess, I don't notice not having it - until people try to make a funny joke about it.  And even then, it's not my baldness that's the issue to me - it's them.

I don't look into a mirror - or look at that picture of me and Owen - and cringe about my lack of hair.  If I did, would I ever stand in front of a camera?  Nope.  I'd be one of those annoying people who makes a huge fuss and draws attention to him or herself whenever anybody gets a camera out, all "Oh, don't take my picture, I'm so ugly, I never take a good picture, but please feel free to compliment me and cajole me into having my picture taken by telling me I'm not as bad as I say I am." 

(Why don't we just let them take the damn picture?  It would shut them up and - given the type of passive-aggressive bullshit maneuver they always pull to make us compliment them - it's not like they add value to any memory the picture preserves.)

I don't wear a hat to hide my baldness.  I wear a hat because I got nuttin' up there to protect the highest part of me from the sun, and if you've never had a sunburn on your head you can't appreciate how painful it is.

Other than that one practical consideration, I don't notice my baldness until you say something about it.  And what you say doesn't make me feel bad about my baldness.  It kinda makes me feel bad for you, though. 

Because I'm not bald by choice.  But you?  You stopped to think, then you made that joke.

Some people noted that Owen and I had the same hairline.  He may grow up to have male pattern baldness.  Or he might have a full head of hair, like my brother did.  His hair might be white blonde like mine was when I was young, or bright red like his Dad's or thick and curly and red like his other Grandpa, or ... well, lots of possibilities, I suppose.

I don't hope he has any particular colour of hair, nor do I much care whether he keeps it his whole life or loses it in his 20s.

I hope he'll be healthy.  That he'll have lots of friends and will treat them well.  That he'll grow up surrounded by love.  That he'll make good decisions, find something he's passionate about and pursue it.  That he'll never stop learning and loving and laughing about life.

But his hair?  Sort of low on the list of things to care about.

Same as mine, ya know?

I don't want people to stop teasing me, or taking the piss out of me, or laughing at me.  I dish it out, and I really do love taking it.  But I tease you about what you do or say, how you act.  Try that with me.  No end of fertile ground, and if I can break you of the habit of making bald jokes, the world is a (slightly) better place.

And if you did make a bald joke, and are now feeling mortified and hurt that I didn't understand you meant it in gentle fun - stop.  I do understand.  You're a friend, and you really - really - didn't hurt me.

It's just not the best way to go.  And now you know. 

Finally, I'll leave you with words from Christine Lavin, one of my favourite singers:

Everybody know it's testosterone
That turns a bushy-haired man into a chrome dome.

But testosterone's what makes a man a man;  the more that he's got, the more he can

Do the things that make the women go "Oy!"

I'll take a bald-headed man over a big-haired boy.

Big-haired boys make very good friends, but they cannot compare to bald-headed men.

Comments

[Laura VitaminSea]

Down here in Florida, guys are into shaving their heads. It's been "in" for a few years now, and frankly, on some guys it's sexy!

As for your baldness, I've never really thought much about it. A guy is bald, or he's not, he has brown hair, or not... whatever. It's no big deal to me.
Male pattern baldness isn't an issue for me, but male pattern stupidity IS!
(To be fair, that goes along with female- pattern stupidity as well. But since that's not the subject here, let's move along...)

I love the way you define it: "...I "have" it. I am not "afflicted" by it. I do not "suffer" from it. I am not "fighting a battle" against it."

^5!!! It is what it is.

I can't believe anyone would make a negative comment to you about that. The pic of you and Owen was adorable, a timeless keeper of a photo and the one you want to frame to show to everyone.

[Nils]

Thanks, Laura. As I said above - nobody made what they thought was a "negative" comment. They were just being light-hearted and gently teasing a friend. I hope nobody feels a need to apologize - that instead, the response will be "Hmm. I never thought of it that way. Live and learn. Next time, I'm gonna tease him about being over-sensitive."

[Ern]

There seriously is a short circuit in people's minds about baldness. No one ever makes comments about my big ass. David is in the early stages of your, um, follicular genetic trait, and it's always shocking to me the things people say. The jokes are almost understandable (almost) but people will flat out say, "oh my gosh, you're really losing your hair!". And being in the earlier stages, he's still somewhat sensitive about it. I guess that sensitivity never really goes away, eh? ;)

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

To me, the most serious male coiffure crime is the comb-over. Well, and the fauxhawk, but women also commit that transgression.

[Allie]

The phrase 'follicular genetic trait' is why I love the people who comment on this blog.

[Kris T]

I'm a person with cerebral palsy, but interestingly enough, not a severe case in that I can walk without crutches, move my other limbs and speak clearly. But you definatley can tell in the way that I walk that I have issues with spastic muscles and balance. I'm writing to second your feelings on being teased (even in fun)about something you have no control. I have cerebral palsy, I never say I am disabled. What I was dealt is what I have.

But I would love a dollar for everytime that someone (particularly an adult) either stares at me the entire time I'm in their aisle at the grocery store or speaks to me as if I am mentally impaired just because I walk differently.

Ok slightly off-topic compared to what you wrote but I guess I was trying to find a way to say I understand your feelings completely.

By the way, Owen is beautiful. Enjoy every moment!

[Melissa]

Happy you are back.

[Rubberband]

Um, nothing personal to you or Owen, but bald IS sexy (don't tell my husband I said that,k?). Maybe us women who know how sexy bald is can sense the testosterone?

[shari]

You think bald jokes are bad? Try being a lawyer... ;)

[anastasia beaverhausen]

I'm horrified at the people who think it's okay to make jokes at the expense of friends. My brother-in-law started losing his hair in high school and, quite honestly, he looks better without it than he ever did with it. I'm sure the same can be said of you. And that's saying something positive...I hope.

[kalki]

Well, I mock your baldness in retaliation for you mocking my small breasts. (Which, for the record, doesn't hurt my feelings either.) Tit for tat. (Heh.) It's the only physical feature about you that is mockable. Although I realize my breasts are probably not quite as small as your head is bald, and so perhaps it's not an entirely even game? It might be more fair for me to mock your small penis, but it's only funny if it's true, and how would I know? (That is not a request for photos.)

I'd offer to lay off your baldness if you lay off my breasts, but I don't think either of us want that. ;) If you prefer, though, I will tease your penis instead. Er, make that tease you about your penis.

[kalki]

(Okay, thinking back on it, I don't really mock your baldness. I mock your age. Is that different? I did remark upon the baldness being part of Owen's resemblance to you, but that's because his little bare head really DOES make him look just like you. It's completely adorable. I don't think ordinarily I would whip out a bald joke, though. But I might just be forgetting....You know what that's like. Regardless, I will stay away from your shiny bald head. My breasts, however, remain available. Although you may have trouble seeing them, given their size and your old man eyes.)

[The Kept Woman]

I didn't read all of the comments but the very first one touched on what I was going to say. Bruce Willis paved the road about a decade ago for the hot, sexy baldness. Honestly? By choice, by age, by genetics- there has been no better time to be bald. I think the worst thing a guy can do is fight it with a combover or toupee...there's nothing sexier than the look of a man comfortable in his own skin. There are three guys on my street, all in their mid-30s to mid-40s and all bald. It's actually kind of a little club that my poor husband won't ever join (typically balness is a genetically linked to your maternal grandfather and SD's had a full head of white hair until he died from Alzheimer's a few years back) even though I do ask him from time to time to shave his hair.

(and Kalki is cracking me up as I write this...)

[operagal]

I am joining the chorus of those who are saying WTF? about people's insensitivity.

Kalki - you may regret your words - Nils has a razor-sharp rapier wit and I for one would not want to be on the receiving end of the abuse that he can dish out, I'm just saaaaayin.

glad you're back, that photo of you and your little gent is f-ing priceless, and well, happy damn Thursday since I have run out of things to say.

[Laura]

I'm back because Kalki's comment had me laughing here in my hotel room, and also because she makes a VERY good point, as does Operagal.

Having been on the receiving end of Nil's "abuse" for years on end, I am well aware of his razor-sharp, rapier wit, which he will not hesitate to use, often right out of the blue. I do know that he never uses it in a mean-spirited fashion, but I don't think his friends have ever done the same to him, either.

So my question to you, my dear friend, is why is it ok for you to mock Kalki's small breasts but it's not ok for us to mock your big, round, glistening scalp?
You know, Nils, I sense a double standard here....

I'm giving you the floor now, have at it. ;)

[Lowa]

As always, a very well written and well thought out post. I loved it!

I have never quite understood why some people have any issue with baldness at all. My hubby is losing his hair a little (thinning on top) and there are a lot of bald men in his family. I am quite excited at the idea of him being bald one day. I LOVE IT! I think it is very attractive. He is not too excited, but doesn't seem to care much either way, really. And like people have mentioned, many people make themselves bald on purpose, you know?? I would LOVE to shave my head! LOL Maybe you saw my post from a few weeks back about my fluffy mess?? http://muddledponderings.blogspot.com/2008/03/hair-help.html

We are all different in so many amazing ways, which is what is so great and exciting about life! Who cares about eye colour, shape, size, etc people are. I just LOVE what you wrote. And as I have said before, that wee Owen is truly stunning. He is gorgeous! I know you think he is, because he is your kin. But take it from me. He is amazingly blessed with good looks:)

[Nils]

Shari : True, although being a lawyer is a choice, so I feel less guilty about making lawyer jokes. And I can make them to you, because you're one of the "good ones", fighting for the rights of the underprivileged. So, two lawyers are talking and a beautiful woman passes on the other side of the street. One lawyer says "See that woman over there? I fucked her." The other says "Really? Out of what?"

Kris: I once worked with a brilliant guy who had pronounced CP. True story: he was at a theatre once with his wife and an usher came up to them and - ignoring my friend - said to his wife, "Does he need special seating?" My friend said, "Why are you talking to her? She's deaf."

Melissa: Thanks. Good to be back, on so many levels.

Ern: I admit to being a teensy bit sensitive about bald jokes - but I've had thirty years to develop my touchiness. And while I can't change the world, I can start with nudging my friends in the right direction.

Allie: Ern makes being bald sound like a science fair project. Gotta love that.

Bucky: I still think a toupee bought at Wal*Mart trumps a bad combover. And faux-hawks are the new mullet.

Rubberband: Yeah, the sexy radiates out of me like an invisible force field. Unfortunately, it seems to be stuck on "repel".

AB (HotS): One day I'll post a picture of me in my bushy-haired youth and people can make the call. I don't know if I look better with or without hair - it's sort of a moot point. I look how I look. I don't wish I had more hair. I wish I had more money. THAT is worth wishing for.

Lowa: It's true. Life would be boring if we were all like ants and all looked the same. Mind you, we'd save a bunch on cosmetics. And I agree with you about Owen - he's a looker. Proof that it doesn't skip a generation.

TKW - You got it right - being comfortable with who you are is a start. I like to think I'm comfortable in my own skin, and that includes the skin on top of my head.

Operagal: Thanks - good to be back. And thanks for the picture you sent to me, which is of a giant illuminated sign on a Detroit freeway that reads: "Detroit - We're So Bad Even Our Mayor Is A Criminal." Made me laugh.

Laura: Yes, you have been on the receiving end of my wit (both "razor sharp rapier" and "blunt instrument style") for close to a dozen years. And while I will address Kalki's breasts below (speaking directly into them is best), let me just say that - as you know - I am not unfamiliar with finding myself in the position of having a double standard. When that happens, I try to remember that, as always, it's all about me.

(And "big, round, glistening scalp"? I love it when you talk like that.)

And Kalki. Dear, dear Kalki: First of all, please feel free to tease my penis anytime.

And really, I don't tease you because your breasts are small. I tease you because you SAY your breasts are small, when they probably seem perfectly fine to the naked eye. Although, how would I know? (That IS a request for pictures.) And I am glad to hear you say your breasts are available. I don't hear that nearly enough.

I have no problem with you teasing me about my age, because it's not specific to me. We're all getting older. So, tease away, secure in the knowledge that one day old age will creep up on you and your eyes, too, will begin to fail and one day you too will have to wear bifocals. Oh, wait ... sorry, dear.

[platypus]

Checking in from an internet cafe in Greenwich (London, not anywhere exciting)... Thanks for making me snort out loud and making people stare. Well, technically Kalki and her breasts made me snort but I still blame you... ;)

[Nils]

Platy: Kalki and her breasts make a lot of us snort. I'm more than happy to take the blame, though. And to the rest of us, London IS somewhere exciting.

[kalki]

I deny having ever claimed to have small breasts. I believe you were the first to point out that they were microscopic. This means one of us has bad vision...unfortunately it seems my ophthalmologist will side with you on this one. Yet another reason I'm resisting bifocals...I really have no desire to see just how small they really are.

[squirl]

If I had a problem with bald guys I wouldn't be with Ichabod. And he makes more bald jokes than I could ever think of. He tells me that guys rib each other about all kinds of things all the time and they're used to it. Of course I'd never purposely say anything I thought would hurt someone's feelings. I've been with a guy who's been losing more hair all the time for 15 years. And boy is he sexy. I think you've made your point. :-)

[RzDrms]

i didn't read your whole post yet on baldness, but i will. however, i have to say right away that hair/lack of hair/some hair/who the HAIR CARES! never bothered me about any man, let alone a man i care about. true beauty (seriously) is from within, and you're gorgeous inside, which seeps to your outside. i honestly never noticed, since your hotness blinded me! (okay, that last sentence was a semi-flirt-with-an-older-married-man, but whatev!!! the rest was 100% true.) ;-)

[Squirl]

I should also say that the really, truly shining thing in the picture of you and your grandson is the obvious mutual love. :-)

[Nils]

Squirl: I know you never purposely intended to hurt - and you didn't, not even a little. And Ichabod is a lucky guy.

Rz: I'm with you. I think beauty comes from within. And when we find it, the depth of a person's beauty can weaken even the strongest of us.

Kalki: Give in to the calendar and get the bifocals. You shouldn't cheat yourself when you look in the mirror.

[William]

Well, consider me "nudged".

And any post that can bring up a discussion about Kalki's breast is a good one.